Sleeping with Bread: Anxiety & Prayer

Anxiety.

That would be my life-draining experience for the week. I have a tendency toward anxiety and this week it has been an issue. I am going out of town tomorrow and getting to my destination requires getting on a plane--for hours. I hate flying.

I am going to a conference where I am going to co-present at a small conference session. It is my first professional conference and I want to do well.

While I am there, I will be working on my masters' project. I am a little (!!) behind and need the time away from home to get a good start on my first two chapters. It is a critical time--a do or die kind of time.

So... I think most people would agree that there is some reason to be anxious.

Except there's that pesky verse in the Bible:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 (NAS)

And that leads me to my life-giving experience for the week.

I prayed.

That is kind of a wild concept, isn't it? I prayed. I had some things to confess and the anxiety was weighing on me. So I went through some prayers from a book. My own words have been sorely lacking. Dealing with grief and some depression has left me inarticulate in prayer. I rest on the promise that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf but I also like using prayers others have written.

It helped.

I woke up early this morning. I made myself stay awake as I will have to be adjusting to a new time zone AND I am getting up early, early, early for my flight. With the morning, I am feeling some anxiety again. There is lots to do to get ready... and the thought of that plane ride hovering at the forefront of my consciousness.

So, instead of spending the day in worry and fear, I am getting ready to pray.

It will help. And I am grateful for that.


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Every Monday (well, sometimes on Tuesdays), I host Sleeping with Bread, a spiritual reflection meme, over here. Right now, my participation is a little sketchy. I usually get the host post up--and lately, my friend, Tara has been helping out with that--but I don't always participate with my own time of reflection. I am actually trying to do better at that. The discipline is good for me. If you head over there, you'll find this entry cross-posted and some links to others' contributions.

Sleeping with Bread: Summer Bests and Summer Worsts

I'm getting a little lazy and copying my host post from the Sleeping with Bread blog and publishing it here. I hope to get back to more regular blogging soon.

This is it. The last week of summer vacation for my family. My tweenage daughter starts 4th grade next Monday and my teenage son starts his senior year in high school the following Thursday. Looking back over the summer, there have been a few "worst things" and a few "best things."

Worst Things:

I never got any real work done on my master's project. I had hoped to finish it... then I hoped to get a big chunk of it written... then I hoped to get the reading for it finished...

Let me just insert a huge sigh here.

I also was working on getting into shape and losing some weight. After a great start, my knees went out on me and that has stalled my progress.

How about another sigh?

Finally, the BIG one that you all know about. My mother's sudden death. I'll not be too flip with this one. It's complicated and sad and one of those life changing events that you cannot avoid. It happens and when it does, you have choices on how to deal with it--but it becomes a central part of your life for awhile.

Still, that's not all there is to this loaf of summer bread...

Best Things:

I am in a very good position to truly begin working on my project. I have the actual curriculum completed. I've got all my reading together to go over. I have a good friend working with me to help me with accountability.

I've not really gained much ground in my quest for physical fitness but I haven't really lost any ground either. In spite of a few weeks of careening off the diet track when my mom died, I am pretty much back on the tracks. It isn't perfect but I am not letting all that happened interfere completely with my efforts to get healthier.

Although the trip back to Oklahoma was not expected, it did give my kids a vacation. They got to play with cousins, hang out in a place where there was more to hold their attention than television and video games. In spite of the sad circumstances, I believe they experienced some rest and relaxation and relationship building.

I can't say I am looking forward to the fall. It brings some demands for me... that I act with discipline and commitment. I will be getting knee deep in probate matters for my mom's estate. The kids will have very different schedules and my husband will be, as always, a man on the road. I know, though, that with all its demands, life will also bring me comforts and joys. And those? Those I look forward to.

Sleeping with Bread:Grief and Joy

It has been a month since I posted here at Life, the Universe and Everything. Most of you who read this will know from Twitter or Facebook, but on July 27th, my mother passed away unexpectedly. By 7:30 that evening, we were on our way to Oklahoma for her funeral.

I'm a little worded out right now about it all so for my Sleeping with Bread post, I thought I'd share some pictures from the trip. The pictures encompass some of the grief and some of the joy in that trip.



I hope to be more regular with posting as we head into the school year. I realize how much Twitter and Facebook--and life, the universe and everything--has been interfering with this blog. In the meantime, if you want to check out more Sleeping with Bread posts, here is a link to this week's bread.

Sleeping with Bread: Memories

Today.

Sleeping with Bread day.

I did not want to write a post today. I had a migraine yesterday. I actually woke up and couldn't see straight because of the aura I get right as a migraine is starting. THAT is a bummer of a way to begin the day. It was also my second migraine in just a few days and it takes a while for me to get back to a state of equilibrium after that.

BUT...

I am trying to be more consistent in my SWB posts... in posting in general so I am going to try to write something coherent. Bear with me.

I think as I look back over the past week, memories have brought me both consolation and desolation.

With all the coverage of Michael Jackson's death, I've been revisiting some unresolved issues from my past. I know... that sounds a little weird. It's just one of those tangential things. It isn't Mr. Jackson's death itself. It's the wondering about his life and what you make of it and then thinking about other people's lives and wondering what to make of them. Some dead Greek guy once said something to the effect that you should not judge a man's life happy until the end of his days. Along those lines, I'm wondering how you judge a man's life at the end of his days. As people debate the true legacy that Michael Jackson leaves behind, I've been thinking about a person in my life. He died a long time ago and I will not go into the details here, but I STILL do not know what to do with his life... was he a good person? a bad person? a victim? someone who victimized others? all of the above? none of the above? The reality is that I will probably NEVER be able to sort all that out. Never. But it HAS been on my mind this week and it makes me sad.

Still, remembrances of the past, have also been pleasant this week. On Saturday night, I went to go hear some friends perform at a local restaurant. My husband was playing guitar for them and one of Marley's teachers joined me for a grown up night out. The band that followed them, a group called The Sorries, includes a number of acquaintances. The drummer was the first person who lived with our family when we moved into this house. He needed a place to stay for a few weeks and that turned into a few months. He was a great guy. He still is. He plays drums for our church once in a while but I had not seen him in a band-type setting for a long time. He reminded me of our first months in this house, my son before he started school, our dog (Bob!), and my job working with college students at the church.

The bass player was part of a band that Paul and I both enjoyed very much. They were great musicians, FUN (FUN!!!) guys, intelligent. That band broke up and the guys--for the most part--got married and "settled" down. The bass player reminded me of the community of musicians that we knew for a long time. So much talent, but more importantly, so many good people. People who cared about others, were creative, and enjoyed life.

Finally, the guitar player is someone I've known since he was starting high school. His family was part of our small group from church for years. This small group was such a joy for our family. Although we journeyed together through many sorrows, there were also many celebrations. There was such an acceptance amongst this group of people. There is a passage in the Bible that often gets quoted to describe the ideal Christian community and our small group embodied many of these characteristics:

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2:42-47)

What fun it was to be reminded of all those people and experiences just by watching one band perform!

Thanks for reading my ramblings, which may or may not have made any sense!

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There are other Sleeping with Bread posts to be found here.

Sleeping with Bread: Sourdough

As faithfully as I have published regular host posts at the Sleeping with Bread blog, I have not posted often my own Sleeping with Bread reflections. There are a number of reason for this. . . Twitter and Facebook distract me. . . I feel like I've been repeating myself. . . and physically, I've been in a funk for a long time. While I can breeze through Twitter and Facebook updates, writing authentic reflective pieces has been difficult.

Tonight, though, I am challenging myself to write this post before heading over to the SWB blog to write the host post. I'm feeling a little less funkish tonight. It is a beautiful breezy, cool night here. My husband is back in town after a long business trip. There was a good sermon on discipleship at church this morning. I've been inspired by reading about the life of Simone Weil. Whatever the reason, I am up for this task tonight. So here I go:

In the last however long, what has caused you desolation?

My Body, My Self. Working against the weight I've gained, the continued struggle against the infernal CPAP machine, middle-age hormones running amok all contribute to feeling like I'm going through my days trying to walk quickly through quicksand. The hormones have been bad enough that I'm actually thinking how nice a hysterectomy would be. This coming from the woman whose always believed that hysterectomies are often unnecessary and should only be a last resort. Now? Getting rid of that thing sounds like a nice idea sometimes.

She's not my little girl any more. I've also been experiencing some grief--that maternal grief that comes as you watch your children grow up. Marley has moved from being a little girl to a full-fledged tween. Her body, her face, her words, her humor... all of it is changing and I just want it to stop. I don't feel quite ready for all of this. This grief has probably been accentuated by the fact that she just finished her last year in her multiage classroom. Instead of just leaving third grade to go to fourth grade, she left the classroom, teachers, and classmates that she has been with for four years. It seems to throw the changes she is experiencing into greater relief.

How clean is your house? Well, I think those British ladies from the television show would have a heyday in my house. We are a family of sloths and there are too many other things I'd rather pay attention to. Still, my house is messy/dirty enough that it is not conducive to getting school work done, having people over, just feeling like I can really relax in my home. This problem is very closely related to the feeling-like-cr*p problem.

Wah, wah, wah. . . Let's take a look at something positive. . .

In the last however long, what has given you consolation?

Twitter! I know, I know, it doesn't make sense. However, through Twitter, I am able to connect with people and have some fun conversations. Seriously. There are a few of my Twitter friends--I hesitate to call them Tweeps--who I get to spend part of any given day or evening chatting about recipes, television shows, child rearing, etc. The long ago phenomena of neighbors talking to each other over their backyard fences is what I get out of Twitter. I actually enjoy it more than Facebook connecting. Hi Twitter friends! XXX OOO

Today's church service. I don't end up sitting in the church service all that often. It's one part working in the nursery and one part being too lazy to get myself there. Today, though, everything lined up. I was ready on time. I wasn't schedule to work in the nursery. The worship was wonderful and the sermon challenging. (According to my son, it was too intellectual and academic, but hey, I kind of like that approach.)

My living room is clean! I marshalled the LUE family troops and we picked up the living room, pulled off the couch cushions and cleaned out all the junk, moved the couches and cleaned underneath them, swept and cleaned the floors and put it all back together. How is it that cleaning what you cannot see can make you feel better? I don't know but it does. I am sitting in my living room as I type and it FEELS good. One room down, eight to go.

The weather. My favorite times of the year in California are at the turns of the seasons. When the air is crisp, either from beginning to cool down or beginning to warm up. We are having warm days but the mornings and evenings are cool. It is so nice to have the doors open, listening to the sounds of the neighborhood, feeling the breeze. So peaceful. Ahhhh. . .

The Dreaded Shred. I started working out to Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred video two nights ago. It hurts and it's hard. I decided to do it weeks ago but it took this long to get going. I am doing it with a friend. We live too far apart to actually do it together, but we are connecting with each other for accountability. I don't know if I am actually feeling physically better from just two days or if I am just feeling better because I am finally doing something. I'll take it, either way.

And finally. . .

Reading! I finished one book on my summer reading list and am in the middle of an introduction to works and life of Simone Weil. She was a fascinating person. There are some ways in which she reminds me of Vincent Van Gogh. They both had this intensity, passion for the poor, and a ability to withstand physical suffering. So far, the excerpts of her readings have been very interesting (She had some interesting points of views on rights/obligations.) and when my intellectual juices get going, it gives me energy. Reading just the excerpts while reading about her life makes it all much more accessible. I'm bright enough, but no intellectual giant.

So, I start a week actually having done my spiritual bread baking! Now, I'm off to get into my exercise gear. The Shred awaits.

Nurses in Vietnam: A LUE Rerun

This post is published in lieu of a Sleeping with Bread post.

I went poking about my archives today looking for something to republish in honor of Memorial Day. (I'm too irritable to write a fresh post.) I've written several posts about Vietnam. My uncle served there and--whether it is just this connection or something else--the subject of the Vietnam War just draws me in. I chose this post, about the nurses who served there, because: a) Those nurses are worth remembering; and b) It seems there has been a lot of talk about feminism on the 'Net relating to mommybloggers and Facebook and blah, blah, blah. Instead of writing a post about whether or not Betty Friedan would be turning over in her grave because women use pictures of their children as their Facebook avatars, I will republish this post about some women who did incredible things, under horrible conditions, in spite of what people thought they could and should do.


Originally published August 24, 2006:

This past weekend, a documentary aired about women nurses in Vietnam. It coincided with the station's airing of China Beach, an early 90's drama about women in Vietnam. I have had an interest in the women veterans of that war since reading Home Before Morning by Lynda VanDevanter for my American history class at UTD and because my uncle served in Vietnam in the early 70's. After watching the documentary, I knew I wanted to write about it here but I feel at a loss as to what to say.

The women featured in the documentary and in the book, Home Before Morning, experienced a year in hell. Most of them were less than one year out of nursing school and in their late teens or early twenties. They were often promised that if they joined the military they wouldn't be sent anywhere dangerous. Some of them signed up specifically for duty in Vietnam. I remember one nurse saying that her father, a non-demonstrative man, gave her the biggest hug ever as she left and said brokenly, "I have four sons but it is my daughter I am sending into war."¹

Upon arriving in Vietnam, their lives turned absolutely upside down. Spending 10-14 hours on a shift, steeped in blood, often without the proper supplies, American nurses in Vietnam worked with doctors in a way that was not common in the states. The doctor's had to depend on them and give them more responsibility than they would have been given in the states and they met that challenge heroically. More than one nurse has recounted encountering a burned soldier, holding his hand or touching his arm, only to have his blackened flesh come off with her hand. Chest wounds with shredded hearts and legs hanging by a tendon were amongst other common casualties. It wasn't unheard of for a nurse to perform an amputation. Sometimes the best they could do was reassure a soldier that he was in good hands knowing that soldier would probably die. When they were off duty, the women nurses played hard just like the men. Anything to shut out the horror that had just been and would be again soon.

After returning from being "in-country," the nurses were in a different situation than the male veterans. While the men also had a difficult time adjusting, they had each other as they continued their terms in the military or they were better able to connect with each other more easily. Of the thousands of thousands of men who served, only about 5,000 women were there so they were more isolated from each other upon returning to the states. Typically, they had no one to talk to who could understand their experiences. Their families usually didn't ask or want to hear about life there. They expected their daughter or sister back as they remembered her not the utterly broken woman who was returned to them. These nurses experienced post-traumatic stress disorder like the men veterans did, but it was much longer before it was recognized in them.

If they continued to nurse, they found themselves in a subservient position without the respect of the doctor's they worked with and they were not allowed to use any of the more advanced skills and training they learned in Vietnam. I remember in her book, Lynda Van Devanter eventually found her way into emergency dialysis nursing. Routine nursing was not for her. Emergency nursing provided the same burst of adrenaline that she experienced during her tour and emergency dialysis required incredible skill.

As I watched the documentary it reminded me of the interview portions of Band of Brothers. Sixty years later, the veterans of Easy Company still are haunted by the horrors of World War II. Over thirty years later, these nurses are no different and still have nightmares, deal with depression, and still have questions about why the war happened and how they ended up there. Eventually, more and more nurses received help. Lynda Van Devanter herself was instrumental in raising awareness of the particular issues of women veterans. Many people worked together to honor these women and their service and in the early 90's the Women's Vietnam Memorial was erected. I hope to visit it someday.²

Who's to say why one issue, topic or story strikes a chord that resonates more than another? There are so many stories of hardship and horror, recovery and redemption out there. Why did this one affect me so much? As I said, my uncle served in Vietnam. In the few years before he died, he opened up more about that experience. Knowing and loving someone who was there is probably part of the reason. Reading about Lynda Van Devanter's experience also impacted me greatly. But there is something greater about their words, their faces, their tears that makes my heart ache and I can't express it any more clearly than that.


Here are just a few links available about nurses in Vietnam.

The Women of the Army Nurse Corp During the Vietnam War

Jeanne Diebolt's Keynote Address at the Women's Memorial

Nurses and the Daily Horror of Vietnam (This is the article which discusses the documentary I mentioned.)

I wrote about my Uncle L.T. here and here and here.

1. The words of the father in this story are paraphrased.

2. I did get to go see the Vietnam Nurses' Memorial in January, 2008.

Note: I did a little editing of this post for clarity/wordiness. (Yes, it was worse before the editing!)

Sleeping with Bread... and Academia

I had a big plan last November that I would work with a Herculean effort and graduate this month. Well, in early March I spent a few days in New York with some friends. When I came home, instead of feeling refreshed and ready for a big push, I cried. I was just too tired, too overwhelmed, too everything. I knew that if I didn't make the decision to postpone the project, the decision would be made for me.

So, I am in my last week of this semester and things are looking good:

I finished up all the requirements for my internship. I spent the semester interning in a preparation-for-college-reading class. It was fun, enlightening, and it provided an opportunity for me to learn so much about what it takes to teach college reading.

I got caught up on my papers and other requirements for my remediation of reading difficulties class. I've been tutoring two developmental readers. Developmental reader is college lingo for students reading below a college level. They are also sometimes referred to as at-risk or underprepared students. I've spent hours with two wonderful students and I hope that my working with them has better prepared them to succeed in college.

My computer ate a paper a few weeks ago. The computer ATE my paper. I know, I know, these 'incidents' are usually the result of user error. However, the date on the document that was supposed to be my paper, and instead was just the references, read TWO DAYS before the date I last worked on it. How did that happen? ANYWAY... I finally rewrote the paper. My professor is very particular about some things--like not using the word 'amount' unless you are referring to a number of something and making sure there is a comma after the first author in an APA reference list. However, she is very relaxed with due dates. And I've needed to take advantage of that.

BUT, I am in the last week of my semester and there are still some mountains to climb.

Paul had to leave on a business trip yesterday. Yes, THAT yesterday--Mother's Day. He's out of town until Saturday. Nice.

I have the BIGGEST paper of the semester and the possibly the most difficult paper I've had to write to date DUE THIS WEEK. Oy. Give me strength. I have to synthesize the research on nine studies. Ugh. It is HARD. I keep looking at this stack of studies and then getting on the computer to Twitter and play POP Answers on Facebook. I DID type up the reference list and cover page. (Don't laugh. I know how completely ridiculous that is!)

I know I can do this paper. I just can't do it QUICKLY. Each article has to be read and fully comprehended, as my professor would say. I have to suss out the pertinent details about the research questions, method, and findings. Then. THEN!!! Then, I have to lovingly shape all this information into a coherent synthesis. This takes time, people.

Ugh... again.

There are a few minor assignments, two more tutoring sessions, finalize a tutoring log, yada, yada, yada. All easily doable--and then one final. It won't be easy because I will be expected to actually understand EVERYTHING about qualitative and quantitative studies, how to create them, what threatens their validity, etc.

And then THE ANGELS WILL SING. I will be finished for the semester. I am SO looking forward to this:








Oh, and I don't want to forget these guys. I want to spend time with these guys:



Don't forget to check out what others are sharing over at the Sleeping with Bread blog.

Sleeping with Bread: Stale and Moldy

It has been a long time since I wrote a Sleeping with Bread post. Officially, I was observing Lent by forgoing blogging, Facebook and Twitter.

But there was more to it than that. Right now, I am having a difficult time finding the consolation in my life. My options in a SWB post, then, are to dwell on the difficult and overwhelming and fake the consolation, forgo the consolation altogether (completely NOT the point) or just not write. So, for the most part, not writing has been my approach.

I want to be clear that I do KNOW that I have consolations in my life. Absolutely, I do KNOW it. It is just that I am not feelin' it right now.

I had lunch with a good friend last week and we talked about--you guessed it--Life, the Universe and Everything. This friend has had a completely different life than I have. Different issues. Different choices. However... we have that camaraderie that comes from going through some pretty big stuff. We recognize the crazy thinking that we tend to do when we are stressed. It was good to talk to her and have her affirm that my circumstances are such that my state of mind is very understandable... and it is temporary. It will pass.

And so, here I sit... in my room... in the dark because of migraines... and I chose to go ahead and write about my stale, moldy bread... and even though I just got finished telling you that I am not feelin' any consolation in my life right now...

I just told you about one, didn't I? I had lunch with a friend who can empathize with me and help me see more clearly.

And I am grateful for that friend... and for my family that is healthy... and that school is almost over for the semester... and that I can joke around on Twitter and Facebook... and that I can DM certain friends and tweet privately what I won't tweet publicly... and I had a yummy chicken w/vegetables and brown rice dinner... and I have a new heat pack... and Marley had a great 9th birthday party at her gymnastics center...

and...

and...

and...

the list could go on and on.

That is the great thing about taking the time to write a Sleeping with Bread post. It helps. It really does.

You can check out what others have to share over at the Sleeping with Bread blog.


And just for kicks, here is a picture of Marley's birthday cake:



If you click on the picture, you can appreciate all the detail on the doggy.

Sleeping with Bread: Gripz

Gripz are tiny little crackers or cookies... it is 6:32 a.m. and I have a long day ahead of me. I've missed a few rounds of Sleeping with Bread so today I'm keeping it small. After all, teeny, tiny crackers are better than no crackers, right?

Yummy Gripz:

Loving my internship

Hugs from Marley

Paul cleaned our bedroom!

Smooth sailing with Colin (I've probably jinxed it, now!)

Walking (2 times a week)

Babies in the nursery

Friends checking in

New small group from church

Pirouette cookies

Doctor who listens

My chiropracter and his staff are awesome

My friend and his wife are expecting a baby!!!

Stale Gripz:

Needing to go to the doctor

Shouldn't be eating Piroutee cookies

Research and Methodology

Not walking 2 more times a week

Colin has a cold

Too busy to do much more than maintain relationships on Facebook

Anxiety from school being overwhelming

Paul traveling

Someone who is watching over my shoulder as I type this feeling very needy

Getting a Gripz on it all:

I have been doing better the last few weeks. Some accountability, perseverance, taking it one day--sometimes one hour--at a time, some insights from Scripture. If I cannot make everything I want to go away, go away, I can at least try to keep myself on an even keel, which, I realize is not staying with my snack-themed metaphor! I have 15 weeks left to my semester. 15 weeks. There is nothing to do but wade through it all and my stomach seizes up even as I type this. Keeping up with walking, keeping up with friends, keeping up with my spiritual exercises, making time for my family, succeeding at school... it is going to be hard. However, as one of my students has named his blog... It Could Be Worse. I need to remember that. And sometimes, that knowledge comes crashing down on me, such as when I read this weekend about the family that lost their young daughter to cancer or when I read a book about the Vietnam War and consider all that soldiers in war go through. I am fortunate. I am rich with blessings. Thank you, Lord.

Sleeping with Bread: Search for the Perfect Recipe

I have to make this quick today. I have too much to do and not nearly enough motivation. If I don't start soon, the day will be over before I know it. (As happened yesterday. Sigh. I am NOT a responsible person.)

So, after last week's woe is me tale of unleavenedness, there is progress to report. First, I think just writing about the State of Mary-LUE was helpful. While I am not willing to say that everything is hunky dory now, I did experience some positives. (I was tempted to type that "I" accomplished some things, but I think that there was a lot of God in the middle of it all and I don't want to steal his thunder.)

Positives:

The Spiritual. I pulled out an old study and went to work on it. As part of the study, I wrote a blog post (for one of my 10 million blogs I have) and sent it out to a few friends. It helps me to share what is going on in my time with the Lord AND provides some accountability. Such an unstructured soul as I does better when someone is WAITING for something.

The Physical. I actually got in a couple of walks last week. I am hardly ready for the SAHM Olympics, but it was good to get out there.  I made an effort to use my CPAP machine for my sleep apnea. I actually kept in on for over four hours one night.

School. I got off my keester and headed out the the university (sans computer) for some serious reading time. It was a very productive time. After finishing this post, I'm off for more reading and hopefully writing. My self-imposed deadline for the first draft of this proposal was last night. Oops!

Family: I was very conscientious about paying attention to my barnacle, um, er, leech, um, er, Huggy Bear, aka Marley. She has been clingy to the nth degree and I am trying to balance what needs to get done and what needs to be--if that makes sense. Lots of time was spent reading Ballet Shoes for our mother-daughter book club party this Sunday. We still have several chapters to go, but it is definitely mother-daughter dedicated time that she appreciates.

Miscellaneous: Dinner was prepared and eaten at home several days. This is progress for me.

Negatives:

The Spiritual. Well, there's a whole passage in the book of Romans which says it all and goes something like... the things I don't want to do, I end up doing; the things I want to do, I don't. 

The Physical. I missed out on one walk because of the insomnia thing. One walk is not a big deal, but it is knowing that it will continue and that I need to find a way to work around it that was discouraging. I skipped a couple days on the CPAP because I was too tired to wash out the humidifier jar. I also only got a couple of hours per night most nights. I need at least 4, preferably more on a very regular basis to have a big impact on my energy level.

School. After such wonderful progress on Saturday, I completely messed up yesterday. I went to church, came home, ate, then took a nap. A long nap. After said nap, I was just not motivated. I ended up on the couch for most of the rest of the afternoon and evening. Not a good idea.

Family. Ugh. Reference Huggy Bear above. Clingy is one thing but this is beyond the pale. I had to give her time out from touching me at church because she was doing something that drives me crazy and SHE KNOWS it drives me crazy but she was doing it anyway! She was temper-trantrumy last night and spent 20 minutes in her room before she would come out and ask for dinner properly. We still had our cuddle time and our reading time but she is challenging the heck out of me right now.

Miscellaneous. Um, no menu so far this week. No trip to the grocery store. No laundry done over the weekend. 

The Big Picture:

Overall, the list above is just that--a list. It doesn't really speak to my lament from last week about my soul needing lifting up. At least, in and of itself, it doesn't. But sharing my 'Woe is me' and then slowly moving my way through the week, taking it sometimes one hour at a time, I did feel better. My spirit is not risen, but it is rising.

I wanted to thank everyone who commented--and even those who just read but didn't comment. I know you are out there! Your encouragement is helpful to me and helps to provide that leaven for my soul.

Sleeping with Bread: Leavened and Unleavened Bread

LEAVEN

From Wikipedia: A leavening agent (sometimes called just leavening or leaven) is a substance used in doughs and batters that causes a foaming action intended to lighten and soften the finished product.

From Dictionary.com

leav⋅en   [lev-uhn]  
–noun
1. a substance, as yeast or baking powder, that causes fermentation and expansion of dough or batter.
2. fermented dough reserved for producing fermentation in a new batch of dough.
3. an element that produces an altering or transforming influence.
–verb (used with object)
4. to add leaven to (dough or batter) and cause to rise.
5. to permeate with an altering or transforming element.

I've struggled with my last Sleeping with Bread posts. (I've actually struggled with blogging at all.) Part of problem is a general sense of feeling overwhelmed.  At various times over the last year, I've written a little about how some things need to change in my life... diet, exercise, spiritual exercises. Well, it is related to that, but also to a lot of other circumstances. Paul and I had a little discussion about it over lunch today. I'm grateful that he is completely sympathetic to me right now. He sees that life has something of a stranglehold on me right now.

So, as I considered the question for today's SWB post, I thought about the word leaven. It really explains where I am at right now. Life feels unleavened. All the ingredients are there... flour, salt, water... These are my family, my friends, my community, my faith. I cannot really complain about these things. I am blessed in so many ways.

But the leaven is missing.  The bit of life that lighten and softens me... that alters or transforms my life... that brings consolation... that allows me to appreciate and make something more of my ingredients.

I think there are two important things to consider. The first is that I am truly in a time where the external circumstances of my life are stressful. School (torture I chose) and issues which have come up since my father's death last April (torture I did not choose). Anyone, under similar circumstances, might experience what we Christians sometimes call "a valley experience." ("Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...") The other important aspect of all this is the physical component. As in the preceding paragraphs, some of these things I have "chosen" in the sense that I have some control over them (diet, exercise) and some just happened to me (sleep apnea, hormonal issues).

Either way, here I sit, typing away, feeling flat and heavy when I would rather feel light and airy. My challenge is discerning how much I can "do" something about and how much I can't. I have this list in my head of all the things I could do... exercise five days a week, go on a diet, lose weight, spend an hour a day in spiritual contemplation, conquer the sleep apnea machine--all while making sure my family isn't neglected. (See... it really is overwhelming.) What do I really tackle? What do I leave alone for now? How do I push through when the hormone-induced migraines or insomnia make me want to curl up and ignore the world that beating at my door?

It is somewhat paralyzing, knowing where to start. I have some hopes and ideas of where to go and what to focus on. I have one friend on call as my cheerleader/personal trainer/coach and all around nag encourager for the coming semester. (I got your card today, Michelle. Thanks!) Paul and I talked today about prioritizing what I need to do between now and the spring semester. I can make a better effort work on my bits that need more discipline.

As for the rest... well, as I referenced Psalm 23 earlier, another part of that verse comes in handy now, "...He restores my soul." Because that is what I think I am talking about when I say my leaven is missing--that restoration of my soul at a time when it has been depleted. I'll depend on it.

Psalm 23

 1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Sleeping with Bread: Grousing and de-Grousing

Are you ready folks? The first part of this ain't gonna be pretty. Selfish and childish, maybe. Pretty, no.

What do you have to grouse about this week?

Well, as long as you asked...

Our sink is leaking.

My grades aren't in (I am a freak about seeing the grades.)

Mini-migraines and other "girly" issues.

Banks. Grrrr. I hate banks.

I forgot one. How did I do that. It was something good and petty, I promise you.

Trusts. Estates. Lawyers. Partnerships. Arghh!!!

Personal boundaries... hate setting them. Hate that it is necessary to set them.

People ignoring personal boundaries. Grrrr AND Arghh!!!

I just want to stamp my feet and clench my fists and pout. (And maybe stick my tongue out to boot.) Okay, let's look at the big picture here.

How can you de-grouse this past week?

Marley was elected class president. She was so excited and proud. It was a tie and she will share her office with Jake. They will alternate days performing the duties of the office: take roll and lunch count, write the day's agenda on the whiteboard, lead the pledge of allegiance, and dismiss people to lunch or or "line up" events.

All I have left for Christmas shopping is stocking stuffers... just little stuff to go in between the "big" stocking stuffers.

I went to an ornament exchange last week. I saw the former principal of Colin's school, who is an old friend and who was the guest of honor at the party. I also saw Colin's 2nd, 3rd, 5th, and 6th grade teachers. It was so fun to see them all and to see the women who had such an impact on his life, especially his 3rd grade teacher. I've talked about her before but she is a cross between Mr. Rogers and Mother Theresa. No joke. You cannot begin to believe that such a wonderful person exists. She has adopted two abandoned children, one who had multiple physical issues and learning disabilities. She always has a kind word. It just makes me feel better about the world whenever I've been talking with her. (You know she's wonderful when a sixteen year old boy will tell you that.) Anyway... it was fun to get out to a little party. Coincidentally, carolers came by and we were able to share our party goodies with them.

One of my teachers let me revise a project so that I could get a better grade. I had a good grade (A-), but I wanted a better grade so that I could keep my GPA at 4.0. She was very nice to allow her anal-retentive, grade-obssessed grad student do this. Thanks to Prof. Z.

I finished a good book this week, The Magician's Assistant by Ann Patchet.

All that big picture stuff... healthy kids, my husband's job seems secure, a house to live in, cars to drive, etc.

I got two walks in this week (not including this morning's walk in the rain.) I need those walks. They may not be as far or as fast as they could be, but they still happened.

On those walks, I was not alone and I got to visit and chat with a friend each time.

We ordered a Honey Baked Ham for Christmas. Yummy!

I think that's all the de-grousing I have in me today. Not too bad, though, is it? There are good things in my life. Always, there are good things. I need to remember that. Right now, the last week or so, some of what I mentioned in the grousing section has been becoming more difficult. My way of dealing with serious difficulties is a combination of avoidance and detachment. Things are getting difficult to avoid, and with that, my ability to detach is tested. (I am not recommending detachment as a coping mechanism.)

So, I am having to deal with difficult things and make difficult choices. The result of behaving in a mature manner in the crisis stuff makes me want to act like a child in other areas of my life. My poor family! So, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate the prayers. I think things are going to get more uncomfortable before all is said and done.

Sleeping with Bread: the Highs and Lows of Parenting

The Highs...

A few weeks ago, I shared the drama\trama that was The Class Play. Marley was cast in a role that she did not like and there was much weeping (hers) and gnashing of teeth (mine). A lot of listening, some "discussion," and one bribe later and Marley was willing to give it a go.

Last week we witnessed the fruits of our efforts to persuade and her hard work. There were six performances of the play. Marley did very well and a couple of moms actually came up to her and told her that she and her fictional son were their favorite part of the play. Of course they whispered this to her because they didn't want her own kids to hear their disloyalty.

It was an exhausting week to be perfectly honest. Getting Marley in and out of her costume and helping with mics... then having getting to watch the show for all six performances. (They did do a great job, but still--six times is at least four too many.)  I am very proud of her though.  She did her German accent and hysterical mommy of a chocolate fudge boy bit very well.  She knew her lines and blocking.  She endured having medical tape applied and removed multiple times. (It hurts!) It really was hard work.

I'm posting a couple of pictures. I didn't get too many but when I get more from other parents I'll ask permission to share. The kindergarteners and first graders are a must see. The kinders were candy and the first graders were the Oompa-Loompas. You will just die from all the cuteness.

Mrs. Gloop and her little snausage-vausage,

Augustus in front of the vat of chocolate.

Marley gets her mic checked.  She was being a little silly because

the sound guy wanted her to do jumping jacks.  This was before the second morning's performance and the kids were a little tired.

You can see why I don't have more pictures of my kids. 

This is their attitude toward having their pictures taken.

We did not get through the week without bribes

of chewing gum and soda in exchange for smiles.

the Lows...

In very, very sad news, we lost a member of our church this past week. His death was sudden and unexpected and it has left many of his friends in shock and sadness. Although I have known J. for years, I wasn't really more than an acquaintance. He was friends with many of my friends, though. I knew his parents years ago at our old church. As a parent, I cannot help but think about how I would feel if it were my child who died.

J. was supposed to play drums at church this past Sunday and so there was an empty drum kit that served as an extra reminder of our loss. The theme for this Sunday was Love for the second week of Advent. (We are a week off the regular schedule, I think.) I had been asked to do the Scripture reading and a meditation. I was somewhat at a loss for words but was able to find a passage from a book that had some words appropriate to both Advent and the loss.

I am thinking of J.s friends and family every day. I hope that the they are able to find comfort in each other and God at this time. I know loss... but not one as close as this one is to them. My heart aches for them, truly. I am also extremely grateful to have my family with me, safe and sound.

I'll end this with a particular Scripture that came up multiple times on Sunday. Without any discussion or coordination, it was in one of the songs we sang, in my meditation and in the communion meditation. I've been in a King James kind of mood so I'll use that version, from Romans 8:38-39...

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sleeping with Bread: with Thanks and No Thanks

Thanksgiving week lends itself to examen questions of gratitude. One less decision to make. I like it.

In the last week, when did you feel most grateful?

Well, I didn't have to cook on Thanksgiving. We did have to work on the house, but we worked a little throughout the week and some that morning (mostly Paul) and it all worked out. The day was relaxing and yummy.

I also felt grateful for lots of birthday wishes. Facebook is awesome if you like people wishing you a happy birthday. I had a lot of wall messages, a couple of phone calls, a few birthday presents. My friend Julie made me a birthday dinner when we all were at their house on Friday... salmon, steak, mashed potatoes and more. YUMMY!

I was very, very thankful for Colin and Paul. For reasons to be disclosed in the next section, I was not that productive. Paul kept busy on the kitchen and other parts of the house. Colin did quite a bit of picking up, some vacuuming, and other odds and ends. All without complaint. That is deserving of the Nobel Atypical Teenage Behavior Prize.

In the last week, when did you feel the least grateful?

Let's see. Marley was sick on Tuesday and Wednesday, so Tuesday night I was up with her a lot. Her moans from a high fever woke me up every couple of hours. She will not take ibuprofen or acetaminophen right now. It is sooooo frustrating. I also had a paper due on Wednesday, which was my fault because it was due the Wednesday before. I had been very busy and under the weather due to a migraine, so I asked for an extension. Picture me tired and settling into my paper on Wednesday, early afternoon, when a migraine strikes. Again. Within two weeks. I actually laughed. Welcome to the LUE House, otherwise known as the Theater of the Absurd. I wasn't laughing a few hours later after pushing through to get my paper done. It knocked me out. I wasn't moving too quickly on Thursday but was able to enjoy the day. Friday found the LUE family on their way to see friends. After being there for a couple of hours, BAM!, Migraine 3. I grabbed my meds, drank two cups of coffee, and persevered. I had to lay down a couple of times but managed. Since then I have not felt well. Sensitive to light, headache-y and nauseous.

When I get into a migraine cycle like this, I start to get very depressed. I can handle one once in awhile, but so close together I have this frustration with getting so many and then a fear of getting another one. Right now, I have too much to do to. I can't keep getting these migraines. I need two good weeks. Two weeks. I had plans on getting at least a few things done for school over the break but I got nothing done. I even missed my class tonight because I wasn't up to it.

But still...

I am feeling better tonight. The hormone fluctuations should not present a problem for the next few weeks. Fingers crossed and a lot of prayer and I will get through this. (I actually went forward in church for prayer. I never do that!)

Sleeping with Bread: Burnt Toast

Okay, I am the kind of person who likes to rearrange her furniture twice a year. I get bored with the same thing month on end. So, to embrace my fickle, changeable side, I am dispensing with the Sleeping with Bread logo today. Don't you think this little piece of French bread is cute? Besides, the toasty look goes with the past week California has been having.

I haven't heard all the latest, but I know in our area, most--if not all--of the evacuees have been allowed to return home and the freeways are open. In California, you just pretty much can't survive without your freeways.

I wrote a lot this week about personal stuff this week... Marley and the Meltdown, Politics and Loathing in the Blog'verse. I kind of got a lot of my reflection out of the way. But, at the risk of being repetitive, I will go with a gratitude theme this week. It is almost Thanksgiving after all.

So...

In the last week, what have I been most grateful for?

Emily and her thoughtful response to me at her blog
Encouraging emails and comments I received
Shari for sharing her journey with me
Marley for working through some hard, third grader stuff
Paul for not running away from me (!!)
Colin for getting a B average and being pretty much self-sustaining
Marley's teachers--over and over again
My assessments are done!!!! I still have to write a ginormous case study for this class, but the assessments are done!!!
Dr. KBA--the behind-the-scenes, knows what needs to be done professor in my dept.
Life on Mars... love, love, love that show (I'm beginning to gush about it. It's embarassing.)
I figured out how to get rid of the "Friends You May Know" recommendations on Facebook.

In the last week, what have I been least grateful for?

Fires, fires, fires
Uncivil discourse
Migraines
Ill-considered trusts and wills
I have a lot of Ts to cross and Is to dot before the semester ends
Laundry
Dishes
Dirty bathrooms
Star Trek doesn't come out until May

And with a new twist...

What perspective has this introspection brought to you?

I think it is clear that I have more on my "to be grateful for" list than my "not grateful for" list.

Thank you, Lord. Seriously.


C'mon over to the Sleeping with Bread site and read some more post by other SWB'ers.

17 down, 13 to go

Sleeping with Bread: Grad School Edition

While there are many things swirling around my head, I am focusing on school for my bread baking this week.

In the last week, when did you feel successful at school?

I was able to get quite a bit done for my Monday night class last week. I'm not 100% caught up, but I accomplished enough to breathe a little easier. Two assignments were due and it was my turn to do a remedial method presentation. It feels so good to check items off that assignment list.

I also attended an informational meeting at the local community college for a basic skills graduate internship. I am excited about having a chance next semester to work in a reading development class. I felt successful because I know I will get chosen. I have a professor already lined up. Also, I am confident I will do a good job of tutoring and teaching.

In the last week, when did you not feel successful at school?

This semester I have struggled with doing my reading in a timely fashion. I've managed to get all my assignments done and I think I will complete the semester without any real problems. However, in the back of my head, I keep thinking about next semester. I have to do a grad check, a Master's project, a tutoring class, the internship. All this work is absolutely doable--if I work diligently.

If you look back at some of my posts in the last few months, you will notice my concern about my health, a lack of exercise and proper diet. I am not using my CPAP machine and when I do use it, I can't manage more than a couple of hours a night. I have gained weight. I am not practicing my spiritual disciplines.  All these circumstances do not prevent me from doing my school work. However, they do impact my energy level and my emotional state. It is all tied in together. I need to make some serious changes in the next few months in order to get through the spring semester.  My lack of success at changing my personal circumstances makes me feel unsuccessful at school.

Don't forget to check out other Sleeping with Bread posts here. 

10 down, 20 to go

Sleeping with Bread: Best Thing/Worst Thing

I am having a hard time concentrating on this post because I am watching SNL's Presidential Bash. As much as I have been discouraged and disheartened by this election cycle, I have got a kick out of the mileage SNL has managed to get out of it.

Okay. Focus, Mary. Focus. Just keep it simple. Don't over think it.

What was the best thing about the last week?

This past week, I'd have to say the highlight was connecting with friends. I already mentioned yesterday getting in touch with an old friend after more than 20 years. I also got to see another friend yesterday at church who moved out of state five or so months ago. She and I will getting together tomorrow to hang out. Yippee!

What was the worst thing about the last week?

Hmmm... I think the fact that I hardly remember it (and I wasn't drinking, I swear!) With all of Marley's activities, my homework, Halloween, etc., the week was something of a blur. Oh wait--except for the very NOT SMALL spider that ran across my bed on Saturday evening while I was doing homework. I can't forget that. In fact, I had a dream the next night that an even larger (MUCH LARGER) spider was in the kitchen. Yikes!

~~~~~~~~ooooOOOooo~~~~~~~~

Don't forget to check out other, more profound, SWB posts here!

3 down, 27 to go

Sleeping with Bread: Connectivity

One day late and two interim posts later, I am finally getting this post written. As I look over the questions, I am struggling a little to settle on a set. The week is a little hazy. One highlight stands out, so I think I will use it to get this post going.

In the last week, when did you feel most connected?

10 years ago, I started a small group at my church. It was intended to be a family group with the kids having joining the adults for part of the time and having their own little group the rest of the night. The group eventually grew fairly large and the joke around church was that it was its own church. More time passed the the group shrank (shrunk?). There were about five families who stayed together, though, until the last year and a half. Since then, kids' schedules, overwhelming jobs, you name it, it just became too difficult to get together. So I officially pulled the plug a few weeks ago. Everyone was sad but everyone was just holding on because of the history and relationship and we all knew it was time to let go.

Saturday night, a few of us got together for a potluck. It was a relaxing time of talking, eating BBQ tri-tip, kids running around. You know that feeling you get when you walk in the door after a day of work or come home from vacation. That sense of "Ahhhhhhhh." That's what it felt like. Coming home.

In the last week, when did you feel the least connected?

I think I am feeling a general sense of disconnectedness these days. One of my main ways of keeping in touch with people was the phone. It just doesn't work that way right now. I go days and weeks without talking to close friends. My grad classes, which were providing me with a new circle of friends, aren't providing that this semester. One class is online and the other one is tutoring and lecture with no real breaks. By the time we get out of 3 1/2 hours of class, we all head home as quickly as possible. On top of that, Paul was out of town all week. It is much easier to deal with his trips now that the kids are older, however, it was one less adult to interact with. I need people!!!

Don't forget to check out other Sleeping with Bread posts here. We've had some new participants in the last couple of weeks. Why don't you go see what they have to share.

Sleeping with Bread: with Gratitude and a Little Less Whining than Usual (Just a Wee Bit Less!)

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling so fragmented.  I could almost close my eyes and see reflections of myself in a million pieces of broken mirror.

Last week, I couldn't even pull myself up out of my physical misery to explore the consolations I knew were there.

This week? I am better.  Much better.

Oh, I am still feeling fragmented, but not to the same extent.  And the consolations I asked my blog friends to provide for me?  Just awesome.  From appreciating that I have no children in diapers (and that I am not yet in them) to a lovely anonymous comment about my ability to self-reflect and everything in between.  It was so uplifting and, yes, consoling.  Thanks everyone!

My only real issue with Sleeping with Bread this week is how late it is.  Mondays, for this semester at least, are marathon days.  I spend the day reading, writing theory to practice cards, scrambling to create a lesson plan for tutoring... and THEN I go to tutor for an hour before sitting through 2 1/2 hours of lecture and discussion.

Are you tired?  'Cuz that makes me tired just writing it!  Still, I persevere.  I will keep it simple, though.

In the last week, what am I most grateful for?

• You guys!  Thanks for reading my angsty posts and writing nice things in my comments.
  
• Marley.  For the last few months Paul and I are just amazed at how she is growing up.  She was soooo happy making those cakes.  That happiness is just typical of how excited she gets about so many things, friends, fabric painting shirts, making fondant icing, doing gymnastics, the Naked Brothers Band show.  The list goes on.
  
• The rest of the fam.  I am fortunate that I have the family I do.  And we are all well and healthy. I am very grateful for that.
  
• No migraines!  
  
• Sleeping with Bread.  The meme is going well.  We are getting a few contributers each week and it seems like new people are finding it.
  
• A new due date on a paper.  My online class professor changed a due date from this Wednesday the 22nd to Sunday, the 26th.  Paul is out of town, there is a chili dinner fundraiser this week for Marley's class and I have done hardly any reading for the paper.  Thank you Dr. 505!
  
• Life on Mars.  Love that show!
  
• My bed.  I'm sitting on it as I type this and I am sooooo looking forward to going to bed and sleeping tonight.
  

In the last week, what have I been least grateful for?

Wow... I am actually having a hard time thinking of stuff.  Let's see.  I guess it is just the usual.  I'm not eating right, exercising, or sleeping like I should.  Same broken record.  But right now, that's pretty much it.

I guess I have something else to be grateful for.

If you are interested, there are more Sleeping with Bread posts linked up here.

Sleeping with Bread: In which, YOU, the reader, participate.

I was cruising through my Google reader and read a post by Here in Idaho's Will (who I assume is Mr. Here in Idaho). Will has started a bloggy art project called The Satisfied. It is a happiness project. You should go check it out. I did. But I realized that right now--today--in this moment, I didn't have any satisfaction to share.

I'm cranky. So I will post my Satisfied another day. However, I still have a Sleeping with Bread post to write. A post that is supposed to look at both consolation and desolation. But I can't--look at both today. I don't have it in me.

Oh, don't worry. It isn't that serious. I just... well, let me get to the desolation bit and we'll go from there.

In the last week, what has caused you to feel desolate?

Migraine. Migraine. Oh, and migraine again. Now, the actual "migraine" came and went on Thursday night. However, this particular migraine hangover has been pretty nasty. I am unreasonably irritable. My tummy hurts. I am exhausted. I am emotional. It has come and gone in waves from Friday through last night. Yesterday I really thought that I was gearing up for a second headache. It didn't happen, but I am concerned that it is going to.

And I don't have time for that this week. I have tutoring today. My case study (from last semester!!!) to work on. I have a paper due next week for my online class. Oh yeah. I have a family to take care of, too. The lion's share of that job has been falling on Paul.

It is taking all my focus.  

So now we come to the reader participation portion of this post.  You either know me from reading this blog or from real life.  I need some consolations.  I just don't have the mental acuity to write my own right now.  But I know they are there.  Not "feeling" them or not having the energy to focus on them does not remove their presence from my life.

So friends, I would be most obliged if you would leave me a consolation in my comments.  It can be a big picture thing, i.e., the sun is shining, whatever OR it can be something specific to my life that you have gleaned from knowing me, through this blog or real life.

I'd appreciate it.

Don't forget to go check out the Sleeping with Bread blog to read what others are sharing.