A title escapes me...

but those ever favored ellipses do not! (Really, I don't what it is about those little dots, but I just love 'em!)

I am dead on my feet tonight and I just remembered I owe the NaBloPoMo gods a post sacrifice. I guess the title could have been Mary vs. the Volcano! I do feel like I have a brain cloud.

As tired as I am, I am feeling well tonight. The tiredness is from a few days of messed up sleep. I took a nap at 10 am yesterday. 10 am!! I slept for 2 1/2 hours, so it is little wonder that I did not go to sleep until after 1 am. I kept myself busy tonight and refused to take a nap. Maybe I'll get to sleep before midnight. Woo Hoo!!

There is good news to report on the Mrs. Gloop front. Marley worked on her lines this morning before I woke up and then we worked on them together before she left for school. She was excited to get to school because it was her day, along with the other third graders, to work with the director. I was optimistic that she had processed most of her disappointment (at least until it was time for the padded costume.)

I had decided to talk with the teachers to give them a heads up about what had happened last night and to ask them to keep an eye on her for me. I went to pick her up early, hoping to find my chance to talk to one or both of her teachers. The kids were still in the multi-purpose room working with Mrs. S., the director. Mrs. J., one of her teachers, saw me and approached me. She told me, without my even saying anything yet, that Marley was doing a great job so far. She and her little (not so) Augustus had made all the kids and teachers laugh with their performance. Mrs. J. said she thought that Marley and her fictional son were going to be the funniest part of the play.

Granted, it is just the first day of rehearsal, but I am so happy to hear that Marley was really going for it today. During lunch, which the third grade girls eat with the teachers every Friday, the other girls and the teachers all complimented her on her performance. Mrs. J. said that you could see Marley pick herself up and hold her body differently. (Doesn't that make you want to cry happy tears?)

I still explained to Mrs. J. the drama of the night before, and she will watch Marley to make sure she isn't having a hard time. My hope, though, is that the positive reinforcement and success she experiences will get us through. Mrs. J. also said that she will talk to the director about the degree of padding Mrs. Gloop requires. Marley is smaller than her "son" and Mrs. J. is thinking the contrast of a taller and chubbier Augustus and a shorter, thinner Mrs. Gloop might actually be funnier. I want to balance being sympathetic to Marley with helping her see that some things just have to be done a certain way, so if she has to wear the padded suit, so be it. Right after I finished talking to Mrs. J., my friend Rebecca leaned over to tell me that Marley was doing such a great job, she was so funny, etc. Yeah! More positive feedback!

After school as Marley and I were walking to the car, I talked to her a little about how she felt and explained that I had received a glowing report from Mrs. J. She played it very casual but then told me, "Mrs. S. said I was funny, too." You have to know Mrs. S. and how the children view her to know that this was a big deal. I was also able to give Marley some good, albeit tempered, good news. Mrs. J. is pretty certain that Marley will wear a mic for the show!

I could tell that I needed to start pulling back and stop talking about it. She was going to get self-conscious about it, but what a turnaround! We may still have some bumpy moments--she isn't all that happy about one scene where she has to squish her son's cheeks--but I am very optimistic and relieved... and grateful for my friends (bloggy and otherwise) who listen to me, Marley's teachers and classmates who encouraged her, Paul who was as much at a loss as I was but supported my instinctive, flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants parenting.

Mostly I am proud of Marley, first, for being honest about how she felt.  I never really explained that for all the drama, she did a pretty good job of using her 'I' statements.  I feel sad, It hurts my feelings, etc.  She pulled herself together and had such a positive attitude.  I can't wait to see her performance in a few weeks.

14 down, 16 to do 

The Song Remains the Same

I met tonight with Book Club #1 to discuss Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. Those of us who finished it all agreed it is an excellent book. Macon "Milkman" Dead floats through life without any vision or purpose. As an adult, still living at home with his parents, he strikes his father at the dinner table before his father can strike Ruth, Milkman's mother. Afterwards, his father comes to him to explain his actions and to warn Milkman that he shouldn't assume his father won't fight back the next time. His explanation of why he has so much contempt for Ruth leaves Milkman uncomfortable and unsure. Later in the novel, Ruth tells her side of the story. Eventually, Milkman learns facts his parents aren't even aware of which put the events of the Dead family's lives in even greater perspective. Milkman is able to reinterpret the words and actions of his parents. His view of the world changes as he gains in knowledge of his family history and through his experiences. This peeling back of the initial layer of an event to reveal a deeper layer happens frequently throughout the story. Words and actions which seem easily interpreted have entirely new meanings as more information comes along.

I had a strong response to this. As I read about Milkman's discoveries, such as his grandmother's real name being Sing and how that completely changed the message his grandfather's ghost had shared with Pilate, his aunt, I thought about the times in my life when I have experienced my point of view changing based on a new piece of family information, revelations which have not always been positive. Sometimes the perspective I have gained has been disheartening.

In addition to reading A Song of Soloman, a recent event and last week's round table discussion over at The Ravin' Picture Maven's blog have had me thinking about secrets and lies in the context of family. Specifically, I've been pondering the secrets I have learned about my family and whether or not to share that information with my children, and if so, when. It is a tricky thing--knowing when and when not to divulge family history which has been kept secret. First, because it is often only secret to a few. Next, you are often only one of several people involved and it is hard to know exactly what is yours to tell.

The temptation to keep the secret is strong. If you keep it, there are fewer people to by angry at you. There is less explaining to do--not as many questions to answer. Milkman's mother and father kept their secrets for a long time. But, a foundation of secrets is like the proverbial house built on the sand. When the storms come, the sand is washed away and the foundation crumbles. Before the Dead family's relationships could improve, that house of sand had to be demolished.

Revealing the secret can also be a strong temptation. The pressure of knowing and pretending not to know is released like steam from a kettle's spout. To reveal information that is suppressed can be a way of saying, "Don't you understand me better now that you know this?" However, the revelation can also be a way of passing along a burden you are uncomfortable bearing and once you've shared it, you cannot un-share it. By attempting to divide the burden by sharing it, you might end up multiplying it.

Ultimately, I don't know that there is one answer which will fit every circumstance and let you know when to share and when not to share. For Milkman Dead, his journey of perspective changes his life for the better. He learns the truth about himself and his family origins and is able to help enlighten his father and aunt, to widen their perspective also.

I still have Frost's miles to go on my journey, but I think I prefer the knowing to the not knowing and I have hope that what is now a source of discouragement has already changed my life for the better and will continue to do so.

Sleeping with Bread: Joe Versus the Volcano Edition

In yesterday's Lazy Sunday post, I referenced the movie Joe Versus the Volcano. I googled "Joe Versus the Volcano quotes" since I had the movie on my mind and here is what I found:

"You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?"

Isn't that a great quote? I love it. Of course, I don't know if the quote can be appreciated if you aren't familiar with the movie. There were a few other quotes from the movie which I liked so I thought I'd try to work them in to my SWB post today.

"So I'm not sick? Except for this terminal disease?"

The problem with my brain cloud is that I self-diagnosed. There are times when I just feel this thick fog that seems to disconnect the different parts of my brain. Yesterday was one of those times. The advantage of calling it a brain cloud is that I can pretend it is something just happening to me and not anything I can change of my own volition. There are choices, though, I made in the last few days which contributed to that feeling. After a couple of weeks of small appetite due to the sinus-infection-that-almost-was, I have spent the last few days eating too much junk (Out damned Cheez-its! Get thee away from me Ghiradelli 60% Cocoa bittersweet chocolate baking chips!) and lying around watching TV. I also missed church yesterday morning because I happened across the last hour of Watership Down, the best animated rabbit movie ever. I needed church yesterday, both the spiritual encouragement and the fellowship. Decisions like these lead me down the road to self-loathing, an emotion I face by engaging in more of the behavior which led me there to begin with, a cycle which is hard to break.

"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life."

I had a little one-on-one with God last night, my usual "I screwed up today, help me do better tomorrow." This morning, Marley and I made a list of things to accomplish today. I made myself a cup of tea and ate a bowl of shredded wheat. The day is young, but I am determined to get rid of my brain cloud. I have a good life at my disposal, one I'm very thankful for. I forget that sometimes. Joe reminded me this morning. Thanks, Joe Banks. I owe you one.

Here are some bonus quotes:

Patricia: My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.

Waponis Chief: We are the children of children and we live as we are shown.

Marshall: Listen, ain't you got nobody?
Joe Banks: No. But there are certain times in your life when I guess you're not supposed to have anybody, you know? There are certain doors you have to go through alone.

Joe Banks: I bribed them to sing a song that would drive us insane and make our hearts swell and burst.