Thursday, September 07, 2006

Envy

An Interior Monologue

Why do they get to have all the fun?
No one would do anything like that for me.
It’s not fair.
Nothing good ever happens to me.

What is the matter with me?
Why do I feel this way about them?
Don’t they deserve what is happening?
Why does their good fortune make me feel excluded?

I’m just not content with myself today.
Nobody really cares about me.
I’m still just that invisible kid from high school.
I’m just everybody’s second best friend. Never the first.
Why am I so unattractive to people?

__________________________________________________________

I feel hot inside.
I show nothing of this self-talk to the world.
I almost literally shake myself.
It is as if I forcibly grab the steering wheel of a car I am riding in
to change the direction in which I am headed.

__________________________________________________________

Stop it!

This is not the truth.
I will not embrace this envy.
Envy is ugly. Inside and out.
I am not unloved.
I am not invisible.
Get over yourself already.

__________________________________________________________

I go about my day. Still shaken by this unexpected appearance of Envy in my life. I don’t understand why it happened on this particular day. As the day goes on, though, I am able to move past it. By the next day, I am back to being myself and relieved to be rid of the horrible feelings.

__________________________________________________________

Years ago I would have followed Envy down the road for a very long time and far too often. Now, it is only at infrequent--though sudden and unexpected moments--that I am gripped by the feelings of inferiority that leave me open to Envy.

Benjamin Franklin said, “At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment." I have experienced the truth of this saying. I am grateful for its veracity; for with the judgment that comes with age, I have been able to see more accurately the truth about myself and to dismiss the lies that have sought to bring me down.

7 comments:

V-Grrrl said...

I have moments of envy too that I try to slap down before they really grab me.

Envy doesn't haunt me nearly as much as that adolescent sense of Invisibility and its first cousin, Self-Pity.

chickenone said...

When I first read this, I remembered I have felt all of this too. I want judgment to reign now. Great post.

Mary-LUE said...

V-grrrl, the comments worked! Yeah!

Terri B. said...

I have these days. I agree that with age has come the ability to "catch myself" at it and have that little internal discussion to "straighten out" and "knock it off."

Kristen said...

Yes, the worst thing about envy, I think is that it sneaks up on you.

Pieces said...

Mary, I have only recently started to realize that when I make sweeping statements (in my mind) "Nothing good every happens to me" or "Nobody cares about me" I need to stop myself and state the truth. I name one person who cares about me, then I name another, and another. The truth can flush out the lies if we let it.

So hard to mentally stop ourselves isn't it?

Thanks for sending the link. I was kicking around in your blogs last night but didn't see this post.

The Franklin quote is great. See? A reason to love the forties!

Mary-LUE said...

Pieces,

I'm hanging onto that quote quite tightly these days.