When did I feel most fully myself?
Interestingly, I felt most fully myself while caring for my sick, febrile daughter. I struggle with living completely in the moment. It is easier for me to live in the questions of life: Who, What, Where, When, Why; then, exhausted, I look for a way to shut off my brain: books, TV, etc. While I believe that there are strengths which come with having my ever active brain, I think I also tend to miss out on some of the warp and woof of life. With my Wild Child's viral malady this past week, the questions of life, the universe and everything tended to disappear and what mattered was being her mother and doing what I could to take care of her.
When did I feel least myself?
In between those moments of pure mothering, there were glimpses of a long-standing identity problem this week. Its genesis in a crisis I was involved in over the course of two to three years. I've been planning a post devoted to this subject (identity crisis, not two to three year crisis) but I don't know if I will ever really write it. Suffice it to say, that I sometimes I struggle with what seems like--and part of me knows it is more perception than reality--the loss of who I once was, a person who intuitively knew what to say in the moment to a person in need. There's a lot to this questioning. Was I ever really this person? Is my pride getting in the way? Is she gone forever? Should she be? Is there some divine lesson I should be learning through all this? (I told you it is exhausting to be me!)
The wrap up on this doughy SWB post today is as follows: Marley is finally better after seven full days of fever. She'll be going to school tomorrow. Yippee! Sustaining that level of mothering for one full week wore me out! ;) As to my identity crisis, I have to say that it is not an all-consuming crisis. It comes and goes and I'm sure that being isolated for a week from most of my usual contact with the outside world contributed to its rearing its head right now. Although I don't like this particular struggle, I wouldn't be surprised if it all works out in the end with my having learned some huge life lesson. It usually works out that way, if I'll let it.
**I L-O-V-E Dictionary.com and its lovely companion, Thesaurus.com without which today's SWB title would not be possible.
Links to other SWB posts can be found here.