Monday, February 19, 2007

Sleeping with Bread Monday: with Filial Ague and Maternal Angst**

When did I feel most fully myself?

Interestingly, I felt most fully myself while caring for my sick, febrile daughter. I struggle with living completely in the moment. It is easier for me to live in the questions of life: Who, What, Where, When, Why; then, exhausted, I look for a way to shut off my brain: books, TV, etc. While I believe that there are strengths which come with having my ever active brain, I think I also tend to miss out on some of the warp and woof of life. With my Wild Child's viral malady this past week, the questions of life, the universe and everything tended to disappear and what mattered was being her mother and doing what I could to take care of her.

When did I feel least myself?

In between those moments of pure mothering, there were glimpses of a long-standing identity problem this week. Its genesis in a crisis I was involved in over the course of two to three years. I've been planning a post devoted to this subject (identity crisis, not two to three year crisis) but I don't know if I will ever really write it. Suffice it to say, that I sometimes I struggle with what seems like--and part of me knows it is more perception than reality--the loss of who I once was, a person who intuitively knew what to say in the moment to a person in need. There's a lot to this questioning. Was I ever really this person? Is my pride getting in the way? Is she gone forever? Should she be? Is there some divine lesson I should be learning through all this? (I told you it is exhausting to be me!)

The wrap up on this doughy SWB post today is as follows: Marley is finally better after seven full days of fever. She'll be going to school tomorrow. Yippee! Sustaining that level of mothering for one full week wore me out! ;) As to my identity crisis, I have to say that it is not an all-consuming crisis. It comes and goes and I'm sure that being isolated for a week from most of my usual contact with the outside world contributed to its rearing its head right now. Although I don't like this particular struggle, I wouldn't be surprised if it all works out in the end with my having learned some huge life lesson. It usually works out that way, if I'll let it.

**I L-O-V-E Dictionary.com and its lovely companion, Thesaurus.com without which today's SWB title would not be possible.

Links to other SWB posts can be found here.

10 comments:

Mel said...

*nodding*

Too much time with Mel is a badddd plan! LOL The good news is that arrangements get made, normalacy is 'restored' and that brain fodder gets 'right sized'.....and then 'more gets revealed'.

Introspect is like that.

Beck said...

I've been isolated for, oh, a month because of the extreme weather here, and I've been going through a slow-motion version of the same thing that you're writing about. It's not fun, exactly.
Poor Marley!

Latharia said...

Such wonderfully insightful writing! I hope your little one feels better!

Sheila said...

Glad Marley is better. I think I understand about your identity crisis. I've been experiencing something in the same realm but haven't talked to anyone (other than the hub) about it. We should talk about this over coffee!

allrileyedup said...

Yes, dictionary.com is my friend too.

Julie Pippert said...

Ah the non-stop brain. I'm a little familiar with that. I think my husband LOVES my blog because it is the new dumping ground.

And how wild. I've been writig, working and tweaking an identity post for a little while now. Also hoping to finish it. Hoping this week. We shall see.

Maybe we can have Who Am I Friday or something.

I'm glad Marley is better. Glad you had some space to ponder. Glad she's back in her usual space and well.

Here's to hoping you find that lesson in a good way soon.

atypical said...

I am thinking you perhaps caught the sickies from Marley. I hope not. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

-t

Shari said...

I adore dictionary and thesaurus.com. :-)

I've been suffering from the non-stop brain too. It's the worst when it wakes me up in the middle of the night and I can't turn it off. :-)

Em said...

I relate to the identity crisis... things got all mixed up when I became a mother and I've never really found myself again.

MarillaAnne said...

Hey Girl! That identity thing ... listen it seems to be a common malady all the way through life.

As I entered the 40's, I was appalled to find so many women 5 to 10 years ahead of me still wondering who they were and how much of what they did reflected the real them or if they were just moving through roles foisted on them through circumstances.

It was very disheartening because I'd been hoping for a long time that the answer to "who am I" would become more and more clear.

Life changes very rapidly both because the kids are growing up and because life is sooooo uncooperative!! Between the change in the lives of the people around us and the changes that just living on this planet cause ... well ... We constantly find ourselves mixing into situations we never ever expected.

And then a career change came upon me ... and not only did I not know who I was but I didn't know what I did (that I was willing to confess to).

I am drawing to a conclusion in life (and in this post) that who we are is buried in our soul and the fingerprints of God are all over it. It's a daily, moment to moment morphing ... responding as God is calling ...

So the knowing of who we are and what our "calling" is comes to the Holy Trinity: Know God's Bible for yourself (the Father), Don't forsake gathering with believers -- who are capable of encouragement and wise counsel and equipped with a relationship of their own with God -- (the Son), and take time to listen to the still quiet voice that reaches out to your spirit in prayers, songs, and meditations -- aka who, what if, whenever, how could .. (the Holy Spirit).

God enjoys every question we ask. I am convinced of that ... and that He wishes we'd ask him more questions.

I do have to tell you though ... from further down the road ... every day I have to convince myself that it's okay to be different from what others expected AND Still expect. Stepping into a new place in life and a new "id" makes those around us nervous. Don't feel sorry for them by giving them a peg to hang you on.

Ok I have a surprise for you. You know how I didn't get to do the Sleeping with Bread this week?

Well I missed it terribly and then Thursday 13 came (and technically went). Fortunately they leave the weekend open! So I did a mush up.

Thirteen Observations from Attempting to Read the Bible in 90 Days ... Served up in Sleeping with Bread style. 9 Blessings + 4 Disconcerting points.

And I just want you to know Sleeping with Bread has become a huge blessing in my life! Here's to the questioning!

Hugs to you and Marley!

Pam