Saturday, February 24, 2007

Going Down in Flames

(If you already made it to this post, I apologize for the new post alert in your feed reader. I had some glaring mistakes staring me in the face this morning and I couldn't let them go. I guess trying to write a post while supervising two young girls isn't the brightest idea.)

Yesterday I did something I am usually loathe to do: I took myself for a walk. Now, don't get me wrong; I love walking. Except in the dread heat of summer, there is very rarely a bad day for walking here in So-So Cal. But I hate to walk alone. Give me blue skies, mild temperatures and a warm body by my side to keep me company. Please. But my walking schedule has been erratic lately and I'm trying to chisel a healthy woman facet on my already dazzling self and it was either walk alone or not at all.

Of course, faced with such a solitary sojourn, I had to dig out my faithful iPod. I had recently loaded up a new album so it was a good excuse to listen to it. So picture me now, starting out slowly as I wind up and down the hills of my neighborhood. I am so proud of myself:

"Look at me. I'm walking. I can do this. This is easy." Soon, however, I have this to say to myself:

"Good Lord, (huff, puff) I can't do this. I have to stop. This is impossible. I don't want to be healthy." Some version of these two mental exchanges takes place alternately for my one hour walk. Finally, I finish, legs tingling and body sweating. I did it. I walked alone!

Excuse my waxing poetic about that major accomplishment in my life. I really came here to share the lyrics of a song I listened to on my extreme trek. The new album I just put on my iPod is Long Island Shores by Mindy Smith. Superb music, let me tell you. But the song I want to tell you about isn't on that album. It is on her previous album, One Moment More. It was easier to hit "Play All" Mindy Smith songs so after Long Island Shores, the One Moment More album began. As I listened to Down in Flames, I realized why I love her music so much. Although I imagine that her life and mine are very different, almost every one of her songs relates an emotion that I've felt or reflects a situation which seems familiar to me. This particular song, Down in Flames, resonated for me so much as a mother. The picture of someone confiding to a stranger, struggling over her day, reminded me of all the different mom posts I read and it seemed as if on any given day, this song could be one of our theme songs.

"Down In Flames"

I don't usually take chances
Most would easily agree
Something in your eyes
Is saying you can ease my heartache
I have a burden in sight
And I know you're just a stranger
If you cannot understand
There's too many times
I've lost my chance to talk with an angel
Too many to count

And life's so hard
It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can to not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That's how it's been for a while

And life's so hard
It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can to not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

I need some direction
I need someone to listen
Someone to tell me that they know

That life's so hard
It's the little things that seem to be saving me today, yeah
Life's so hard
And I'm doing what I can
Oh, yeah, I'm doing what I can
Hey, I'm doing what I can
Going down in flames
Going down in flames
I'm not feeling the emotion expressed in this song at this moment in time. As a mother, though, there have been many a day in which it seemed I was going down in flames, every little thing adding fuel to the fire. I imagine many of you have, to0. Listening to this song, I feel less alone.


Side note: My presence in the 'verse has been sporadic this past week. Mostly I've just been recovering the the mutant virus that threatened life on Planet Mary-LUE. Mind you, I wasn't sick, just my Wild Child; however, I was out of circulation as much as she was and it is taking me a while to get back in the swing. I'm sure ya'll be seeing me more this week. (Did I use that correctly, Pam?)


Beck said...

Is Marley all better?
I love that Mindy Smith album, too - it really speaks to me.

Julie Pippert said...

Mindy Smith is great.

I wish somehow I didn't have to engage in deliberate exercise. I'm inherently lazy in that way, and resent the effort, despite the reward. It's a real mind psych up.

And hey ummm come look at my current blog post. I gave you a sort of meme/award. :)

Mary-LUE said...

Beck, Marley is definitely back to her old self. The first day or two back at school were pretty rough as she was quite willing to never return but we're back on track now.

Julie, Yes, it is a real mnd psych up. I hope that in the next few months, I'll more readily take walks alone and not rely as heavily on walking partners. As much as I tease them, they are not responsible for my physical well-being. (And thanks for the Thinking Blogger award! As I said over at your place, I'm at a loss for words. Now, the hard work of choosing my five and the dilemma of resisting re-awarding some of mine who have already won. Hint, hint!)

Mel said...

Wow.....powerful lyrics.

Now I'm gonna haffta go take a listen!

And I'm glad to hear the kiddo is feeling better.

Becky said...

I know it's really not a good reason, to get a dog, but if you have one, walking "alone" at least has a dual purpose. :)

I mostly enjoy walking at night because my subdivision is almost completely devoid of street lights. This means that I can stare up into the sky at the stars and actually *see* them... Thankfully, I live in a pretty good neighbourhood, so I don't worry about being "alone", even without my dog. He does help, though.

Mary-LUE said...

Mel, thanks for the good thoughts for my daughter.

Becky, I would LOVE a dog. We had a most spirited mongrel for 13 years. Since he died around four years ago, my husband has declared our house a dog-free zone. Some day, though, I hope to have me a giant Great Dane or something like that! And stars! We see very few stars around here. There are too many lights at all hours to get a good look.

daisies said...

glad to hear your daughter is doing well again :) these flu bugs are getting stronger i think, sigh ...

you are such an inspiration ~ i really need to start walking again, it is also supposed to feed your creativity, walking alone with your thoughts :)

Julie Q. said...

I wish I lived in sunny Southern CA. I love to go walking but it was snowing this morning. Ick

Thanks for the music recommendation. I followed your link to Amazon and really like what I heard. Time for an early birthday present to myself I think.

Thanks for delurking. It's always fun for me to know who's really listening to my ramblings. Plus it gave me a chance to visit your blog. I'll check back again.

kittenpie said...

Wow - I love going for a walk alone, if it were that I had time and the snow weren't up to my knees... I am planning to rescutitate my bike (or get a new one if that proves impossible) come spring, slap a child seat on it, and bicycle to work on nice days. Wish me luck!