Thursday, October 22, 2009

In which I offend purple-wearing old folks. . .

When I Am Old I Will Wear Clothes Appropriate for My Age!

When I am an old woman,
I shall clothes wear clothes appropriate for my age - -
With or without a hat as long as it goes,
and looks good on me.
And I shall spend my money
on books and movies
(and maybe a trip to Ireland)
and probably more and more skin care products,
because, DANG, it was easier to be holier-than-thou when I was 20 and wrinkle-free.
I shall sit where ever I can find a comfortable seat when I'm tired
and Lord help me, if I am gobbling up samples in shops
without regard to my health
and thinking I can still be as active as a young person,
while forgetting what it was like to be young and stupid.
I won't mind wearing my slippers in the rain but hope that
I only pick flowers in other people's gardens if I have permission
and NEVER learn to spit!
I don't want to wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat a pan of brownies all by myself,
or only bread and butter for a week,
and collect coat hangers
and sugar packets and Styrofoam popcorn.
I have responsibilities now like raising my kids,
and paying my bills,
and not driving while talking on my cell phone,
and setting a good example for the children.
But I enjoy having dinner with friends and talking about things.
And I don't want to be a different kind of person
So that people who knew me are shocked and surprised
when suddenly I am old, and stop acting like myself!


Anonymous said...

When I grow old I hope I never have need for one of those sofa pee-pads sold by Sears.

I hate those red hat ladies. I don't mind the poem so much -- but I hate how the poem has been licensed by a for-profit company which uses it to organize groups of women in the name of solidarity (when it's really about the money) and how they 'celebrate' the fact that for years many women live inauthentically or submissively until the arrival of senility.

Your version is MUCH healthier. AND Funnier.

Anonymous said...

I like this version much better than the "original." I don't like the redhat ladies either.

But when I'm old, I'm going to wear black and sail the streets, regally, telling younger folks how to live their lives! No really! I saw it in France, where the old women had fur coats and tiny dogs and red lipstick (I already have lipstick) and they were really bossy. I'm working on it right now.

gretchen from lifenut said...

Cackling! I love this.

My family will commit me to an institution if I start acting like a kicky old lady.

I'm going to bring planetnomad's vision to my town. I already wear black and I love red lipstick. And I'm bossy.

ashley said...

Thanks for the laugh.

Mary-LUE said...

@subspace beacon - I think the licensing offenders are from my town! And yes, regardless of whether you like the poem or not, if I wanted to wear a red hat and purple clothes, I ought to be able to do it without fear if copyright infringement.

@planetnomad - I can't wait to see you wearing the bossy 'tude!

@gretchen - See, you are already being you. You're going to venture into old age true to your self!

@ashley - You're welcome!

poppy fields said...

I read this the other day, but blogger wouldn't let me comment.

I think I shall sip champagne all afternoon when I'm old and I have a friend that says she'll smoke long thin cigarettes...sitting side by side in the blue chairs on the Croisette in Cannes (the seaside boardwalk there is famous for all the old people sitting in those chairs people watching all day).
I hope you'll join us with your vice :)