Reader's Block

I was sitting with my sister-in-law a few weeks ago and we were talking about life, the universe and everything. I told her that I have not finished a book since June. She looked at me and told me that she was the same way after her dad died. (Most of you know that my mom died in July.) I've been thinking about it a lot and wondering just WHY is that the case? Is it just (JUST!) the grief? I've not been all that "efficient" at reading for the last couple of years. Grad school and Web 2.0 seems to have taken quite a bit of my reading energy. The only other time I remember going so long without finishing a book was when my son was born. Back then, I didn't even start a book. Now, I start a book but don't get it finished.

Here's a sample of books I've started:

Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett

The Lord is My Shepherd by Harold Kushner

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell

The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver

Those poor books! They don't deserve to be neglected like this. I think a need a prescription from the doctor that says I HAVE to read for 30 minutes a day. No matter what. Not that I do everything my doctor tells me to do.

Anyway, I was just wondering have any of you ever experienced Reader's Block? If so, do you know what caused it? How long did it last? Do you remember the first books you read after your reading slump was over?

++++++++

Cross posted at T-Dot Bloggers Book Club.

Adrenalin-Induced Insomnia

For the last couple of years I've had trouble with sleeping through the night. Sometimes it's for pretty benign reasons. However, I think I can attribute most of it to grad school. When the pressure is on and I have an assignment due, it keeps me up at night. I usually fall asleep just fine but then wake up around 3 am, unable to get back to sleep until around 6 am. Anyone who's either got a job or kids to take care of or any other normal responsibilities understands that's just no good.

For months now, I haven't had any problems with it. I didn't really think about the fact that I wasn't having my wee hours-wake ups. And then the pressure to get going on my final push for grad school began. Guess what? More insomnia. It's so frustrating.

Today I worked for hours to get the product part of my project ready to email to my advisor. I finished and emailed it at 11:59 pm. (I'd originally promised it on Friday and then repromised it on Monday.) I was glad to get it turned in--just in the nick of time. I considered waiting to send it until tomorrow (TODAY actually) so that I could have someone look over it for me. But Nooooooo, I was getting to anxious to have it in my advisor's inbox. So I sent it.

I had to unwind for awhile so it was about 1 am before I headed off to bed. And then Marley had a nightmare. (Remind not to let her watch any Harry Potter movies for a long, long time.) I had just barely drifted off when she came in to tell me about her bad dream. (David Tennant as Barty Crouch, Jr. was the culprit.) Great. Now I was awake and trying to get back to sleep. What thoughts drifted in my head? A sudden realization that I maybe hadn't explained aspects of my project. Did I really turn in a curriculum handbook that didn't have all the information in the instructor notes? I think I did.

Crap.

Yes, I said CRAP on my blog.

Now I can't get back to sleep. It's 3 am. and I'm surfing the internet, playing Word Challenge on Facebook, exhausted as can be. Sleep just slithers right on by me.

So I reckoned, if I had to suffer through it, you might as well suffer reading about it.

I'm probably going to regret this when I get up--if I ever manage to get to sleep.

Sincerely,

Morose, possibly inept, seriously sleepy, Mary-LUE

Everything. . .

I love about my town.

Well, not EVERYTHING but after a post about Life that was followed by a post about the Universe, it was a given what this one would be called.

So here is a list of LOTS of things that I love about my town.

1. The Jacaranda trees that bloom every spring
2. The downtown market that shows how much community we have in our community
3. Frati Gelato! The YUMMIEST gelato and sorbet made by someone who went to gelato school in Italy. Did you KNOW there was such a thing as gelato school?
4. 25 minutes to the beach
5. 45 minutes to the mountains
6. My daughter's alternative, multiage class in a public school
7. Hill!!! Paul and I lived in Texas for almost four years and it was FLAT where we lived. I love our hills.
8. Excellent restaurants. I think we have a surprisingly large number of restaurants that have very good food.
9. Old houses. We have some lovely old houses. I love old houses.
10. Starbucks. I know, I know. Starbucks is so ubiquitous. I don't care. I like not being more than five minutes away from a Starbucks not matter where I am at in town. So sue me.
11. My son's high school. It has excellent programs... the arts, honors, a farm (!), a culinary school, a nationally ranked speech & debate team (and yes, sports). It also is over 100 years old. Again with the old. I like old. Which leads me to. . .
12. Hosted at the 100+ year old high school auditorium, the Orange County Theatre Organ Society shows silent movies accompanied by a Wurlitzer organ. The next showing is Nosferatu, A Symphony of Terror. I think that's pretty cool.

the Universe (Well, not really...)

My last post was about Life. I had intended to write a more complete post about Life, the Universe and Everything but all I could squeak out was the little bit of Life.

And I've been thinking since then that I would try to write this next post about the Universe... and then a post about Everything. But there is a wee problem with that...

Right now my Universe is just so small. All I can see are the proverbial trees and not the forest. There is so much going on right now... issues over health care reform... H1N1 flu preparedness... the continuing recession... and that's just the U.S. I don't have the energy, though, to think too much about those issues. In some part, that is due to how emotionally charged the Internet is. If I were to really try to write about the Universe these days, it would probably have more to do with incivility, a determined mindset to outsnark those who think/act/believe differently from you, the demonizing of "the other," a general unwillingness to ask questions... and most of all, a complete abundance of Absolute Certainty. It exhausts me--all this Certainty.

I am living with too many certainties... including those age old favorites: death and taxes. I received a long, long document from the lawyer for my mom's estate. I haven't been able to make myself go through it yet. I've just peeked at it enough to see that I need three years of tax returns for my mom--but she didn't keep any of those records. I have to set up a separate bank account in the name of the estate--but there's no money to put in it. When I set my mind to these issue, my body rebels. I feel a tightening in my chest, a queasiness in my stomach. I get a very clear picture of an ostrich with its head firmly buried in the ground.

All that and the pressure of deadlines for grad school... kids who need their mother to be emotionally present... the ongoing challenges of my father's estate... a house that's fit for How Clean is Your House... knees that have gone wonky, preventing me from doing any real amount of exercise.

And I cannot STAND writing about all this... because I think I sound like a big, whiny child... because I am feeling so crappy about it all that I cannot balance it--like I usually can--with the sunny side of things. I function in two modes: Denial or Depression. (Before I get a bunch of worried comments and emails, I HAVE started seeing a therapist--just last week.)

I KNOW things will get better. I KNOW this is all temporary. This knowledge comes from two things: my Faith in Christ and my previous experience when Life has overwhelmed me. I know that however long it takes, it will just be a portion of my life--not the entirety of it.

In the meantime, the Universe will have to wait.

Life: September 2, 2009

Life

Death certificates… forwarded mail… letters from banks… just a few of the things Life brings you when there is a death in the family.

Emergency card forms… homework folders… payments for lunch accounts… just a few of the things Life brings you when a new school year begins.

Ash from fires miles away… air conditioners running incessantly… tears and tempers… just a few of the things Life brings you when the traditional end of summer heat wave arrives.

Lunch with friends… talks in restaurant parking lots and the phone… greetings on Facebook… encouraging tweets… just a few of the things Life brings you when you are experiencing the above.

Sadness… gratitude… restlessness… confusion… anger… lethargy… avoidance… many of the feelings I've been having as I live this Life right now.

Sleeping with Bread: Summer Bests and Summer Worsts

I'm getting a little lazy and copying my host post from the Sleeping with Bread blog and publishing it here. I hope to get back to more regular blogging soon.

This is it. The last week of summer vacation for my family. My tweenage daughter starts 4th grade next Monday and my teenage son starts his senior year in high school the following Thursday. Looking back over the summer, there have been a few "worst things" and a few "best things."

Worst Things:

I never got any real work done on my master's project. I had hoped to finish it... then I hoped to get a big chunk of it written... then I hoped to get the reading for it finished...

Let me just insert a huge sigh here.

I also was working on getting into shape and losing some weight. After a great start, my knees went out on me and that has stalled my progress.

How about another sigh?

Finally, the BIG one that you all know about. My mother's sudden death. I'll not be too flip with this one. It's complicated and sad and one of those life changing events that you cannot avoid. It happens and when it does, you have choices on how to deal with it--but it becomes a central part of your life for awhile.

Still, that's not all there is to this loaf of summer bread...

Best Things:

I am in a very good position to truly begin working on my project. I have the actual curriculum completed. I've got all my reading together to go over. I have a good friend working with me to help me with accountability.

I've not really gained much ground in my quest for physical fitness but I haven't really lost any ground either. In spite of a few weeks of careening off the diet track when my mom died, I am pretty much back on the tracks. It isn't perfect but I am not letting all that happened interfere completely with my efforts to get healthier.

Although the trip back to Oklahoma was not expected, it did give my kids a vacation. They got to play with cousins, hang out in a place where there was more to hold their attention than television and video games. In spite of the sad circumstances, I believe they experienced some rest and relaxation and relationship building.

I can't say I am looking forward to the fall. It brings some demands for me... that I act with discipline and commitment. I will be getting knee deep in probate matters for my mom's estate. The kids will have very different schedules and my husband will be, as always, a man on the road. I know, though, that with all its demands, life will also bring me comforts and joys. And those? Those I look forward to.

Sleeping with Bread:Grief and Joy

It has been a month since I posted here at Life, the Universe and Everything. Most of you who read this will know from Twitter or Facebook, but on July 27th, my mother passed away unexpectedly. By 7:30 that evening, we were on our way to Oklahoma for her funeral.

I'm a little worded out right now about it all so for my Sleeping with Bread post, I thought I'd share some pictures from the trip. The pictures encompass some of the grief and some of the joy in that trip.



I hope to be more regular with posting as we head into the school year. I realize how much Twitter and Facebook--and life, the universe and everything--has been interfering with this blog. In the meantime, if you want to check out more Sleeping with Bread posts, here is a link to this week's bread.