Tuesday, September 15, 2009

the Universe (Well, not really...)

My last post was about Life. I had intended to write a more complete post about Life, the Universe and Everything but all I could squeak out was the little bit of Life.

And I've been thinking since then that I would try to write this next post about the Universe... and then a post about Everything. But there is a wee problem with that...

Right now my Universe is just so small. All I can see are the proverbial trees and not the forest. There is so much going on right now... issues over health care reform... H1N1 flu preparedness... the continuing recession... and that's just the U.S. I don't have the energy, though, to think too much about those issues. In some part, that is due to how emotionally charged the Internet is. If I were to really try to write about the Universe these days, it would probably have more to do with incivility, a determined mindset to outsnark those who think/act/believe differently from you, the demonizing of "the other," a general unwillingness to ask questions... and most of all, a complete abundance of Absolute Certainty. It exhausts me--all this Certainty.

I am living with too many certainties... including those age old favorites: death and taxes. I received a long, long document from the lawyer for my mom's estate. I haven't been able to make myself go through it yet. I've just peeked at it enough to see that I need three years of tax returns for my mom--but she didn't keep any of those records. I have to set up a separate bank account in the name of the estate--but there's no money to put in it. When I set my mind to these issue, my body rebels. I feel a tightening in my chest, a queasiness in my stomach. I get a very clear picture of an ostrich with its head firmly buried in the ground.

All that and the pressure of deadlines for grad school... kids who need their mother to be emotionally present... the ongoing challenges of my father's estate... a house that's fit for How Clean is Your House... knees that have gone wonky, preventing me from doing any real amount of exercise.

And I cannot STAND writing about all this... because I think I sound like a big, whiny child... because I am feeling so crappy about it all that I cannot balance it--like I usually can--with the sunny side of things. I function in two modes: Denial or Depression. (Before I get a bunch of worried comments and emails, I HAVE started seeing a therapist--just last week.)

I KNOW things will get better. I KNOW this is all temporary. This knowledge comes from two things: my Faith in Christ and my previous experience when Life has overwhelmed me. I know that however long it takes, it will just be a portion of my life--not the entirety of it.

In the meantime, the Universe will have to wait.


Mad said...

You do NOT sound like a big whiny child. I have always chosen denial over depression and have been grateful to have the choice. You don't have to worry about the Universe right now--the Universe will wait.

A good friend gave me advice once when I was struggling with productivity upon returning to work after mat leave. She said a life, a career, is a long-term investment. It will be subject to the ebb and flow of the human condition. The trick is to know you are in an ebb and that the ebb will pass rather than to dwell on being stuck there.

I've always admired your ability to see what's what, Mary, and this post is proof of it.

Anonymous said...

ICK. I do not envy you having to deal with death and taxes. I am thankful that I only need deal with death, difficult though that is. I do not envy you your trial, but I pray you come through it stronger. Hang in there!

atypical said...

...cannot balance it...with the sunny side of things...


too bad not real twins or right now I'd be able to share your burden in a much more real way. As it is, you will have to make due with virtual hugs. I hope it helps - even if only a little.


Beck said...

You are brave and real and never whiny. Expunge that fear! Throw it away!