Sleeping with Bread Monday: Clint Eastwood Style**

I've been thinking about blogging lately. What I like about it and what I don't like about it. (I know, I know, but yes, there are some things to not like about the blog'verse.)

So, today's Sleeping with Bread is the blogosphere version.

In the blogosphere, where do I find consolation?

Blogging has laid many wonderful gifts at my door. In my user profile I say that I read voraciously or not at all. I'm one of those readers who ignores the signs of smoke indicating the house is on fire when I'm lost in a good book. With two kids and a traveling husband, sometimes it has been easier to forgo reading altogether. Well, the kids are older, the husband is still traveling and I hear about so many good books that my fellow bloggers are reading that I began reading more often. Reading stirs my soul. I think more, I cry more, I laugh more, my heart bursts with joy more when I am reading. Thank you fellow bloggers for writing about what you are reading.

As I have said umpteen times before, I am an extravert. As I just said in the previous paragraph I have two kids and a traveling husband. Getting in time with others but also time with lots of others is a challenge. I have met so many people, six degrees style, that my thirst for new relationships is somewhat sated. All across the United States and Canada with a couple of Australians thrown in for good measure, there are people I look forward to "talking" to every day.

Finally, blogging exercises my brain. I write--not as well as I would like to--but I am writing. Coming from the "If you don't try, you can't fail" school of backwards perfectionism, this is saying something. NaBloPoMo in particular challenged me because in an effort to write about something other than what to write about for NaBloPoMo, I ventured out into some creative writing via the Word Beads and Sunday Scribblings memes. This produced beads of anxious sweat scribbling down my face, I can assure you. But guess what? I lived through it! Yippee!

In addition to the actual writing, my brain is stretched this way and that by the content of the blogs I read. Social justice posts, posts with views which differ from my own, lessons learned from Life's sometime's painful schooling all combine to make me pause and think. It is so easy staying at home and getting caught up in the ebb and flow of the stuff of everyday life to lose that wider perspective that blogging brings to me.

In the blogosphere, however, I do find desolation.

As with anything that draws your attention, blogging draws my attention away from other things. It is so easy to get lost in the monitor, navigating with my keyboard in a virtual world. Boundaries have never been my strength and I blog when I want to not just when there is space in my day. Always on the lookout for an excuse to not do some housework is one thing, putting your child off for another hour because I'm glued to the computer is another.

Blogging draws me in because of the personal stories I read every day. Some are funny; some are sad; some are mirrors of my own life. But, being such a people person, I miss knowing some of my favorite bloggers in real life. I want to see Sophie's face when she talks about grieving the loss of her father at 9 years old. I want to meet Em's children Georgia, Alexander and Juliet and Bub and Pie and Aliki's creative son Liam and daughter Tessa. I want to bring dinner over to Veronica Mitchell and take home some laundry to do for her. I want to sit over coffee with Darlene and have her tell me, in person, the story of her life and go for a walk with V-Grrrl in her quaint Belgian town. (This list is not exclusive. Just pretend it is the Academy Awards and the music began playing before I could say thank you to all the people who helped me win the award!) I love the back and forth exchange that comes in a "real" conversation. Many of my best thoughts weren't formulated until I was responding on the fly to a statement or question by someone right in front of me. I need some real time connection. I just do. (This may be heightened by feeling a little more isolated than usual. My "in person" friends network is a little off kilter and I'm struggling somewhat with my sleep apnea.)

Finally, I get anxious when I read some of the more outspoken blogs out there. I hate conflict and sometimes when I read the more vitriolic rants against Life (usually a spouse), the Universe (idiot neighbor, doctor, fill in the blank), and Everything (politicians, the Church, etc.) I get uncomfortable. I've been thinking about what exactly bothers me when I read this stuff. I'm getting to an understanding but not quite there yet. And all rants are not equal. I know when I read a particularly nasty spouse rant, for example, it is hard to sit with my own desire to "fix" things. I'm in a weird spot politically living in a netherworld of not-conservative and not-liberal. Sometimes it is as simple as hateful is just not comfortable.

All in all, blogging brings me more joy than distress but it feels good today to talk about The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.** Thanks for listening.

MoTBA (Mothers of Teenage Boys Anonymous)

I met with a think tank today--a group of like-minded women determined to solve a problem that looms large in our world: getting teenage boys through high school.

Well, okay, it wasn't really a think tank. A couple of the women have thoughtfully arranged get togethers for our sons--who sojourned from preschool through elementary school together--since they scattered to different schools beginning in seventh grade. The boys get a chance to see each other and the moms get to freak out at how much the other boys are changing. Some of them are six feet tall! Six feet! Yowsa! What began as a mini-reunion became a support group meeting for us moms.

Today was my first time to join the other moms as the boys feasted at the Rainforest Cafe' and then played video games. I'm not sure what the other get togethers were like but within moments of the moms being sat at a table adjacent to our sons, the comparing and contrasting began. Most of the mom research had to do with how our new freshmen were coping at high school. This one had a bad progress report; another one was doing better than expected. Involvement in sports and other extracurricular activities was discussed. How to get your kid focused on being more responsible was a problem for which any of us might have paid good money to obtain a solution. Each of us had heard a line similar to the following one from our sons: "Well, the teacher didn't remind me to turn it in." Each of us uttered a similar line to our sons: "It isn't his/her job to remind you to turn in your work. It is his/her job to teach you. You are responsible for knowing when to turn your work in."

Eventually, the conversation drifted from our concerns that they finish high school with the work habits and grades to help them get into college to what we are all assuming hasn't occurred with our children yet. Yeah... sex and substance abuse. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. Near where we live there is a popular street with a movie theater and several restaurants, shops, etc. It never fails that I see hordes--massive hordes--of teenagers hanging out there on a weekend night. Girls sitting on boys laps, heads together or holding hands as they walk down the street. Oh sure, it all seems innocent enough; however, I can tell you that I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about my son in one of these packs of kids and his arm around some... some... girl!

So, we were ultimately grateful for a problem like a bad progress report and, I think, uneasy about what we may not know about their lives. I think we all felt a sense of relief that we are experiencing the same issues and feelings. A day that was planned to keep our boys connected ended up drawing us closer together.

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BSE Buttons, A Whole Wheat Quest and Threats of Fripperies

A few days ago, I posted my commitment to performing BSE's on a monthly basis. I said that I would put the initials BSE at the end of the first post I write after doing the exam. Well, timing being everything, it will be another couple of weeks before the optimum time to perform said exam. However. . . Izzy of IzzyMom and Izzy Design designed these cool little buttons that anyone can download and use. Because it is for a good cause, she didn't charge me so she gets some good Karma points, too.

I hope that you will use these buttons. We can talk about prevention and early detection all the live long day. We need to act. By giving ourselves BSE's and letting others know, we can encourage others to join us. Five minutes. Five minutes is all it takes. We're worth it, right? If you need a refresher course in how to do the exam, here it is. (To download a button, right click and save to your computer. You can then upload the photo into your post when you are ready. In the next day or two, I will also put the buttons in my sidebar.)

Screeeeeeech!!!!!!!

That is the sound of me taking a sharp turn into a completely different subject. I am on the prowl for some yummy recipes using whole wheat flour. After my colonoscopy and diagnosis of moderate diverticulosis, I am trying to go refined-flour and white rice free as much as possible. I'm a sweet freak, however, and there just aren't alot of options out there. I know I've had some yummy whole wheat chocolate chip cookies before so if you have a recipe to die for, I would so appreciate it if you would pass it along. You can reply in the comments or email me at aseveremary@pacbell.net.

I did make some yummy bread last night for my book club's discussion of The Penelopiad. It is called Christopsomo and it a Greek Christmas Bread. I found the recipe at Bella Online and it was easy to make and uses a 3/5 whole wheat to 2/5 white flour recipe.

Here's the recipe in case you are interested:

Christopsomo - Greek Christmas Bread

Traditionally on Christmas Eve every household would bake a Christopsomo or "Christ bread". The loaf is often decorated with engravings on the crust that represent aspects of the family's life and profession. A loaf from a fishing family might have a picture of a fish on it, for example. Here is the recipe for the Christopsomo, you can decorate it as you like.

1 package active dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp ground cardamom seeds (seeds removed from the exterior husk)
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
1/4 cup milk
1/4 cup melted butter
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup all purpose flour
1/4 cup golden raisins
1/4 cup chopped walnuts

Grease an 8-inch circular cake pan.

Dissolve the yeast in the warm water and allow to stand for a few minutes.

Meanwhile, combine the sugar, salt, egg, milk, cardamom and butter in a large bowl and mix well. Add the yeast mixture, both types of flour, raisins and the walnuts. Mix well. If the dough is too moist, add a little all purpose flour to make softer dough.

Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and knead by hand until it is smooth and elastic, about 5 minutes. Shape into a round loaf.

Place the dough into the cake pan, cover with a towel and allow to rise in a warm place until doubled in volume. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350.

When risen, bake the loaf for 35 to 40 minutes or until brown and it sounds hollow when tapped on the bottom.

Well, thanks for your time and attention. Tomorrow I'm planning on bringing back Friday Fripperies; so, if you want some non-essential and trivial information, you know where to find it.

StoryCorps

"StoryCorps is a national project to instruct and inspire people to record each others' stories in sound."

I found out about StoryCorps one day while watching Jane Pauley's now defunct talk show. I'm a sucker for a good, personal story so I wanted to know more. The organization was founded to record personal interviews. The first booth they set up is in Grand Central Station and for a small fee, you can make an appointment to record a 40 minute interview. On site is a facilitator to help you get the best sound quality, etc. Afterward, you are sent a CD of your interview and if you give permission, a copy is put into the Library of Congress Archives.

I went online to their website one day and spent forever it seemed listening to excerpts from different interviews. I cried, I laughed, I cried some more. Some of the stories are of painful events in the lives of the tellers but there is a poignancy in them that draws me to them. The commonality of the human condition, I guess.

Every once in awhile, I go to the website and find new stories and listen again to old favorites. It is the equivalent of sitting down in front of a favorite old movie or re-reading a book knowing that it will make you cry. The experience is cathartic. It allows me connect with others by listening to their stories and reminds me of the capacity for love and compassion in all of us. Although God is rarely mentioned in the stories I listen to, I sense his presence in them.

Today was one of those days. I'm a little weary from my husband being out of town. I'm a little premenstrual. But also, I spent part of the last couple of days reading Darlene's writings about her life and the loss of her twin babies. She writes with grace about the joy her babies brought her and her husband and about the pain their s brought into their lives. I have a friend who lost a twin and so it brings some bittersweet memories back to me. Tears that came close to being shed while reading Darlene's writing maybe needed to work their way to the surface.

In the blogosphere, I've been touched by many, many stories that I've read. Here is a chance to listen to some via links to the StoryCorps Listen page. The interviews are short--one to three minutes in length--but are very powerful. There is one silly, sweet one thrown in to offset the tear-inducing quality of the others. I hope that you will get some of the same sort of appreciation for others that I receive from these.

Debbie Fisher and Terrence Hicks - Debbie talks about her father, a Holocaust survivor.

Cathy and Kelly Slumber - The story of a treasured Christmas present.

Sarah and Joshua Littman - A boy with Asperger's Syndrome interviews his mother.

William and Seth Jacobs - A grandson and grandfather share.

Doris and Lisa Cohen - A mother and daughter discuss painful life events.

Philomena Luciani and Alison Purcell - Adventures in housewares

I have to stop but there are so many more. I encourage you to stop by the website to listen to more. In addition to the two booths in New York City, StoryCorps has expanded their operations to include two mobile booths. You can look at the schedule and see if they are coming to a town near you. They also have an equipment rental program. For a very reasonable price, you can rent a mini-recorder with professional quality microphones for one week. You return the equipment with your recording and they send it back to you in CD form. I am just waiting for the day when I can participate in one of these interviews.

To show you how much of a StoryCorps geek I am, my husband, in New York City on business, knew I would want to see this:**

This is the StoryCorps booth that is near the World Trade Center site. In addition to all the other stories they are collecting, they have three special projects: 1) collecting stories from friends and families of 9/11 victims--really, any story about someone touched by that tragedy; 2) collecting stories of people who are experiencing memory loss; and 3) collecting stories of people affected by Hurricane Katrina.

Let me know what you think...



**Come to think of it, this picture is probably part of the reason I had my StoryCorps binge today!

Sleeping with Bread Monday: Circling the Drain

I'm having my people fiddle with my Sleeping with Bread button. There are still a couple of tweaks but I decided to go ahead and use the new one today. It ties in well with the Christmas season. If you Sleep with Bread, you can use this button if you wish, but the final revision should hopefully be up next week if you want to wait until then.

In the last week, when did I feel most alive?

Last week, before Paul left on a business trip, I was feeling pretty good about life in general. I'd had a nice Thanksgiving weekend, the house was in good shape, I'd manage to get dinner on the table and dishes done on a couple of occasions. All that combined to give me a sense of comfort in my home and a general feeling of well-being.

It was nice while it lasted.

In the last week, when did I feel the most drained of life?

Paul left on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was blogging about a lack of proper sleep and a bad morning with my daughter. As the week progressed, the insufficient sleep continued and the children were consistently challenging. Solo parenting while Paul was gone, I relapsed into some bad habits. The words to the Johnny Cash song I quoted just yesterday seemed so real to me:

Nothing worked out when I handled it all on my own
And each time I failed it made me feel twice as alone

This drained feeling continues as I speak. I'm tired and there is clutter and trash all around me. My CPAP equipment needs cleaning. Marley needs her bedtime routine. Last night she cried out in the midst of some of extreme sibling drama, "I want my daddy!" I understand that feeling. Yet, do I cry out to my heavenly Father? Not usually. I just beat myself up, shove the junk--both actual and metaphorical--aside and try to drown my sorrows in a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha (decaf, non-fat, no whip, extra hot in case you were wondering) and the television.

However, I can't ever leave without trying to put a little perspective on the downer part of this exercise. This is partially so you won't think I'm a big, complaining sissy. The rest of it though is for me--to give myself some much needed life context. So, yes I am weary and all sorts of failure as a domestic goddess. My children once again saw the Mommy monster (although let's be fair, there were quite a few visits from the were-children) and felt her horrible wrath.

But.

Let me say again, BUT, BUT, BUT. . .

We got to spend Friday evening with friends.

My husband sent me a picture message from his phone of New York City at night along with a note telling me he loved me and wished I were with him.

He bought me some earrings, I hear, from a nice specialty shop while he was in New Jersey.

I got to spend a good part of Thursday day and evening with a good friend.

My walking and life discussion partner and I got back in the swing of things and so my body is better off and my mind engaged in great discourse. (Okay, it isn't all high-minded talk on the nature of life, the universe and everything.)

So, in spite of the crud, it was still a good week. Can't really complain about that, can I?

Hope: An Advent Meditation

Updated below to include picture of me giving the Advent meditation. This picture was taken by my friend's three year old son so I just HAD to include it! ;)

Inspired by BubandPie's and The Bosphorus's** recent posts on Advent, I thought I would share the Advent meditation I was asked to do in church today:

Today we begin the celebration of Advent. Advent, which means arrival, is the time as Christians when we prepare inwardly and corporately for Christmas: the day we recognize the birth of the Messiah. For each of the four Sundays of Advent we dwell on a different theme--hope, peace, joy and love. Our hope this month is that our services will be a place to set aside the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, take some deep breaths and turn our thoughts and minds towards Christ.

The first week of Advent, we focus on hope. Simply put hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Some hope comes easily. My daughter’s hope for the presents on her Christmas list, my son’s hope for the new Nintendo Wii system or the hope of young love. But some hope comes with more difficulty. It comes with experiencing failure and disappointment. It comes with the growing realization that the world doesn’t always give us what is wanted or that events don't always turn out for the best and that we make choices that harm ourselves and others. This hard-earned hope believes in the promise of redemption.

I recently became acquainted with this song by Johnny Cash.

I Came to Believe

I couldn't manage the problems I laid on myself
And it just made it worse when I laid them on somebody else
So I finally surrendered it all brought down in despair
I cried out for help and I felt a warm comforter there

And I came to believe in a power much higher than I
I came to believe that I needed help to get by
In childlike faith I gave in and gave him a try
And I came to believe in a power much higher than I

Nothing worked out when I handled it all on my own
And each time I failed it made me feel twice as alone
Then I cried, "Lord there must be a sure and easier way
For it just cannot be that a man should lose hope every day.

And I came to believe in a power much higher than I
I came to believe that I needed help to get by
In childlike faith I gave in and gave him a try
And I came to believe in a power much higher than I

With Christ, I have hope every day. Hope not only that he has saved me but that he will guide me through my life, take the things that have happened to me and the problems I’ve created for myself and redeem them. I also have hope that he will help me make a difference in the life of others. This is a hope which I think is difficult to grasp and to communicate to others in this world which seems threatened on every side by war, threats of war, disease and numerous other evils. I read somewhere that “to light an Advent candle is to say, in the face of all that suggests the contrary, that God is still alive, still Lord of this world, and, because of that, ‘All will be well, and all will be well, and every manner of being will be well.’”

Let’s remember that hope today as we light the first Advent candle of the season.

Photo courtesy of Samuel C.

** The Bosphorus is a contributor over at AtomicTumor. Many people have been following along as AT, now the primary contributor, detailed the illness and of his wife, GAC (BJ).

Too Tired, Too Hungry, Too Much Christmas Anticipation

One of the reasons above is probably why the following conversation took place tonight with my six-year old daughter after picking her up from a early evening play date with a friend:

In response to the news that there was a surprise waiting for her and Colin in the living room that is for Christmas but is too big to put under the tree.

6-Year Old: Is mine pink and Colin's blue?

Tired Mom: No, they're both green.

6YO: But I don't like green!

TM: You'll like this, I promise.

6YO: But I don't like green!

TM: Do you want me to give it to someone else?

6YO: No! But I don't like green!

TM: You'll like this!

6YO: I want a TV for Christmas! Colin got one once. I never got anything like that for Christmas. All I got is a Violet doll and her hair is all messy. I want a TV!

TM: Marley, you got a bike once. That is a big present.

6YO: YOU bought me that after Christmas.

TM: Well, right after Christmas because someone sent money for me to buy it for you.

6YO: I never get a TV for Christmas! Colin does! I don't ever get to see M or the Z's except on Sunday! (Why the whiplash change in subject, I don't know. It should be noted that we are on our way home from M's house and spent the evening last night at the Z's.)

TM: Do you want some clues to what your present is?

6YO: Yeah.

TM: It's soft and squishy.

6YO: A pillow?

TM: No.

6YO: A blanket?

TM: No.

6YO: I need another clue.

TM: It has a zipper.

6YO: A blanket and a pillow?

TM: No.

6YO: I need another clue.

TM: You can use it while you are watching TV.

6YO: Another pillow?

TM: No.

Pause.

TM: Do you want another clue?

6YO: Yes.

TM: It's a piece of furniture.

6YO: Is it a green, squishy, soft table?

TM: No.

6YO: I don't know what it is.

TM: Well, we're almost home. You'll see then.

6YO: I don't ever want to go to school again! I hate school! Ashley grabbed my arm and kept saying, "Stop hitting yourself Marley. Stop hitting yourself." I hate when people do that to me! Colin does that to me! I hate Colin! I wish he weren't in this family! I want him to be in the Z family so it will be three boys and three girls! (Note another random and rapid-fire change in subject.)

Pause.

We drive by high school football game where her brother is.

TM: Can you see everyone at the game?

6YO: Yeah. Did we used to go there when I was little?

TM: Yes. We went there to watch J & J play football.

6YO: Can we go to another game sometime Mommy? A football game for Colin's high school? Will you go, too Mommy? I haven't got to go to a game since I was little.

I am answering yes to all these questions.

6YO: Do we still have our Frosty the Snowman movie?

TM: I don't know. Probably. We'll have to look for it.

6YO: But do we still have it?

TM: I don't know. Probably. We'll have to look for it.

6YO: Did it get thrown away?

TM: I don't know. We'll look for it when we get home. Do you remember if it is a tape or a DVD?

6YO: I think it is a tape.

TM: Okay. If we can find it, you can watch it in the bonus room.

Pause.

6YO: I hate DirecTV! I wish we didn't have DirecTV! I want our old TV back!

Presumably, DirecTV and Frosty the Snowman are somehow connected.

TM: Marley, if we didn't have DirecTV, you wouldn't be able to watch Nick Jr.

6YO: Yes I WOULD!

TM: No. DirecTV allows us to have Nick Jr.

6YO: No! It doesn't!

We get home. She races to the front door.

TM: There is one big one and one smaller one.

6YO: Which one is for me.?

TM: The smaller one.

Opens the door. Sees two big green bean bag chairs. I point out which is hers. She jumps on it.

6YO: Why do I have the small one? Why can't I have the big one?

TM: Because Colin is way bigger than you.

Pause.

6YO: Can I watch TV?

TM: Yes!

A temporary peace reigns as she enjoys the GREEN bean bag chair,
holding her favorite guinea pig while watching Nick Jr. on DIRECTV.