God Can't: A book review

God Can’t

How to Believe in God and Love After Tragedy, Abuse, and Other Evils

by Thomas Jay Oord

SacraSage Publishing, 2019

For the last few years, a group of people from my church have hosted a theology discussion group. It meets every summer, and we invite people with expertise in theology and philosophy to share with us on a theological/philosophical topics. Several of our members teach at one of our local Christian universities, and between them and the network of people they know, we have had a wealth of perspectives on topics ranging from Open Theism to Pacifism to Violence in the Old Testament and so on. These summer discussions have been very formative for me. One significant effect of these discussions is learning how many very different views there are of what the Bible has to say on many, many subjects. I don’t always agree with what our speakers have to say, but I have learned to listen and engage with many different ideas without feeling threatened by them.

I say this because God Can’t by Thomas Jay Oord will most definitely make some people uncomfortable. He is well aware his premise there are things that God cannot do pushes against long-held conventional beliefs about the nature of God.

I heard Tom speak last February and again last June about the topics he writes about in God Can’t. I had lots of questions for him, the most significant one being if what you say is true, how should I pray? He responds to that question and many others in this book to reach anyone who has ever been through difficult times and was not satisfied with others’ response as to why God “let” this happen or God “made” this happen.

The book is directly and thoughtfully written, born out of a desire to help those affected by the evils of this world. Tom brings a wealth of both scholarship and lived experience to his message. Several times I found myself writing down questions in the margin only to have him address those very questions later in the book. He also provides questions at the end of each chapter for reflection or group discussion. My personal recommendation is to read the book one section at a time. Wrestle with each chapter before moving on to the next. I also suggest reading it and discussing it with others in a group setting. As Tom uses his own and the experiences of others as examples, the experiences of others in a group setting can be beneficial to absorbing the concepts in God Can’t. Finally, I encourage you to look through the chapter questions before reading the chapter. Not every question provided will work as a pre-reading reflection, but a lot of them will. I think in doing so, you will be more prepared for his assertions as he makes them.

I want to leave you with one of his ideas that is resonating most with me having finished the book: God needs our cooperation to make a difference in this world. In chapter five, Tom quotes Teresa of Avila,

Christ has no body but yours,

No hands no feet on earth but yours,

Yours are the eyes with which he looks compassion on this world

Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,

Yours are the hands with which he blesses all the world.

Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,

Yours are the eyes, you are his body.

Tom does not suggest this in a literal way. Instead, he says, “the Spirit who has no physical frame calls us to use pour physicality to express God’s love. Like a mind influencing a body without controlling it, God influences us” (p. 157). When we listen to that influence, we have an impact on the world around us. That idea calls to my spirit. God not only loves me, But He also needs me, and I can work with Him to make the world a better place.

I can’t guarantee you will agree with Tom’s vision of God’s character and how that impacts how we understand the terrible things that happen to us. I can assure you will think about your beliefs about it.

God Can’t is available for purchase now in bookstores. Currently, the ebook format is only available for Kindle. However, it will soon be available in all ebook formats.

Memory Snapshot

I am participating in the UCI Writing Project Summer Institute for teachers. In addition to learning about the best methods for teaching writing, the summer fellows also work on their personal writing. Over the next couple of weeks, I plan on posting here some of the writing I am doing. Some of it will look familiar as I have reworked a couple of posts from years past.

A Family Meal

I felt different—special—dressed in my cousin’s red and white sun-suit. Just an hour earlier, I was in my own mismatched hand-me-downs playing with my sister and cousins before my aunt started shooing us to the bath.

“Bathe. . . here, wear this. . . hurry-hurry-hurry--we have to be on our way.”

This wasn’t the usual course of events—this interruption of a routine summer day. We usually kept busy pumping the pedals of the player piano, swimming in Mr. Harvey’s pool next door, finger painting, and watching Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Full of activity as they were, those days seemed to last forever as we waited for our mom to pick us up at my aunt’s three-bedroom home on Starbuck Street in Whittier. Efficient as always, Aunt Margaret had us ready, herding us into the station wagon. Soon, we were at the parsonage of the Huntington Park Free Will Baptist church for dinner with Grandma, Grandpa, and the rest of the family. Get-togethers like these were common enough for weekends and holidays. This was definitely not the norm, but for a chance to see my other aunts and uncles and play with my cousins? To get a patented Grandpa Hug that squeezed the breath out of you in the best possible way? To have Uncle L.T. swing us around and joke with us? I wasn’t about to question the why. I was going to seize the day!

At this usual-but-not gathering, the wooden picnic table, made smooth by years of people dining at it, was covered with our traditional dishes: fried chicken, crunchy, greasy and salty; corn-on-the-cob, crispy and buttery; and brown-n-serve rolls. I am sure there were other dishes there like macaroni salad and fried okra. However, my unsophisticated palette only watered for the corn, chicken, and rolls. The hand-crank ice cream maker sat out on the grass waiting for the grandkids to take turns sitting on it, freezing our little behinds off, while Grandpa or one of the bigger kids cranked it, so the ice, cold and salty, could fulfill its purpose of turning milk and sugar into vanilla ice cream.

My cousins and I ran around and played, laughing and talking. The adults split their time between setting or cleaning up the table, keeping an eye on the kids, and laughing and joking in that way adult siblings do as they relive the antics of yesteryear. An opportunity presented itself. Quick! I said to myself. No one is on the swing! Hurry before someone else gets to it. The tire swing was hung by a thick rope that rasped as the swing moved. My little arms reached over the top of the tire, gripping to hold on. My legs were just long enough to push myself without help. The black rubber tire was cool and smooth to the touch, except for the patterned crevices that had allowed it to grip the road once upon a time. Eventually, it’s time to go home, this time in my mom’s 1972 Ford Maverick, featuring three-on-a-tree manual transmission, pale blue paint, and no air-conditioning. We are tired and quiet as my mom drives the Maverick home. We get out of the car and get ready for bed. The next day, we would go back to the regular summer routine.

Years and years later, going through my mom’s picture box, I find a picture taken that day of my mom, her siblings and my grandparents. All of them dressed in shades of red, white and blue and me on that tire swing in the background in what might now be called a photobomb. We were—and are--a laughing, smiling family, and their faces reflect that as the Kodak Instamatic 20 clicked. Memories of that day come flooding back of an unexpected and joyful time with family. Someone, I don’t remember who, told why we had that mid-week gathering. My Uncle L.T., 18 years old, was leaving for Vietnam. We were having one last family meal together before he went. We were saying goodbye.

Anytime I look at this picture now, I see more than my six-year-old self’s memory of that day. There is a then-future-now-past filter laid over the photo. My grandmother’s anxiety for her baby boy. The concern of my aunts and uncle for their baby brother. I understand now why we gathered on a weekday and didn’t wait for a weekend. I understand now that we wouldn’t see Uncle L.T. again for over a year. I understand now how fortunate we were to see him again. So many families didn’t get that.

I am glad I didn’t understand that then.

Procrastination: Periadolescence and Stereo Projects

I have LOTS of grading to do:

All those piles aren't ALL grading. Some of the papers are graded papers to return, copies of handouts, and administrative papers. Those books are copies of the selections for my class book club. I am still missing two books, so I will post pics of those later. If you look closely, you can see a small, white bottle of ibuprofen at the far end of the table.

I think ibuprofen should come with a teacher discount.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

My daughter is almost 11 and 1/2 years old. Things are happening to her body. THOSE things. Along with THOSE things come the moodiness, fits of temper, and the prerequisite acquisition of knowledge superior to adults in each and every way. Might I call it periadolescence? Between HER hormones and mine, I am pretty much aggravated at her every waking moment.

I have little reminders, though, of the actual PERSON she is in the midst of all of this. I bought some mini pumpkins the other day for her to decorate. This is what we have scattered around our living room right now:

 Harry Potter pumpkin

 Traditional Jack-O-Lanterns

 I think this is a girl pumpkin.

 Angry pumpkin. Grrrrr!

Another girl pumpkin. Apparently the long bang, swept to the side is popular right now.

When I see these, strategically placed around our living room and entry way, I remember that underneath all that pre-adolescent angst and know-it-all-ness is my crafty, hands-on, creative girl.

She thought very carefully about WHERE to put each pumpkin. "Which one goes with a horse, Mom?" Here are the results of her contemplations:

Please note blue plaid curtains from Target. The folks at Wrath of Mom are quite fond of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband has worked on a few projects around the house lately. The results of which mean I can listen to music on two different systems in the living room or one in the dining room--RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER from the living room.

System One: Please note directions. This isn't my husband being overly picky. They are necessary so that I am able to listen to music when I want and so that I do not blow up the precious amps.

 

 System Two: Good for listening to music and for listening to the television. Please pardon the blurry picture. It is what it is. The truly spectacular part of this system is the volume control. Done with the device pictured below:

 

Even more special is that it is connected to Sound System Two via this lovely cable: 

 

And now, System Three:

   This system features an extra fancy "Now Playing" indicator:

Extra fancy tech. That's how we roll in the LUE household.

*************************************

Well, that was truly a decent amount of time spent procrastinating. Mission accomplished!

Surprised by Waltzing (A LUE Rerun)

Somehow, on the first day of my Tuesday night class, the subject of my favorite band came up. Without hesitation, I said, "The Band." Then I had to explain to a group of people, who were mostly under the age of 22, who The Band is. To be absolutely truthful, I don't know that The Band is truly my favorite band. It might be The Blind Boys of Alabama. However, The Band, as featured in the documentary, The Last Waltz, represents so much more than just music to me. Here is a post I wrote about that movie a few years ago:
 

Sometime in the first year after I graduated high school, I read Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Early Life by C.S. Lewis and his definition of joy as "an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction" captivated me. Joy, to Lewis, was a feeling inspired by any number of things from encounters with nature to the sound of friends' laughter. Eventually, as he sought out these moments of joy, he began to believe the emotion he was experiencing was a recognition of the divine which creates in us a longing for God.

At 18, I sensed the truth in his words. I knew that joy as he described was different than the happiness we are often taught should be our life's aim.

At 18, I felt I had experienced those longing glimpses into the divine.

I'm sure I had, but as I reflect on my life with its grown up burdens and responsibilities... as I consider the sad and tragic circumstances that can befall people, those glances of joy are more poignant to me. Sometimes they are almost boringly obvious: the heart-bursting ache that comes with a glance at my son or daughter; the gasp that comes with the sight of the local mountains, freshly covered in the snow after a storm. I think these are universal experiences which don't lose their depth of meaning in their prevalence.

Sometimes, though, I get that sense of Beauty and Longing in places I wouldn't expect. Today, Sober Briquette* picked up on a recent post of mine in which I chose a shopping cart to represent myself in a transportation metaphor. Her choice is great and the options she eliminates along the way are very funny. At the end she embedded a You Tube clip of Van Morrison singing with The Band from The Last Waltz.



The Last Waltz has been on my mind of late. We have the DVD and Colin recently purchased The Band's Greatest Hits (along with The Best of Sam & Dave, Wilson Pickett's Greatest Hits and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band--this kid has great taste in music). The film brings back fond memories. The first time I watched it was the first time Paul and I discussed forever. But more than that, the film and the music in it evokes in me a sense of the sublime. It is just so good it almost hurts--that good hurt.

Here's where my descriptive powers will fail me. How do I go beyond the Valley Girl-like "It's so awesome!!!" to communicate how the interviews with the members of The Band, along with the footage of amazing musician after amazing musician singing and playing with the band is just a little slice of heaven here on earth? How can I explain that I see God in the community these men had with each other or that the musicianship seems to be the quintessential example of being in the moment with the music? I don't know.

I'm not really a music person. I like lots of music but I don't pursue music in my life and I'm not musically literate. I can't tell you anything about what makes a good song. There's something more than music going on in The Last Waltz, though, and it surprised me with joy.



*Sober Briquette is no longer blogging under that name or I would link to that post for you.

Dipping my toes back into the blogging waters...

Hello?

HELLO???

Is this thing on????

It has been months and months since I blogged. Recently, though, I've been reconsidering getting back into the swing of things. With a little encouragement from some Twitter friends, I thought I'd take it slow by republishing some former posts. Maybe it will inspire me. At the very least, I know enough people NOW, who I didn't know THEN, it will give them a chance to read some words I wrote before I went to grad school and started teaching. This first post is one I have republished before. Someone liked it enough to nominate it for a Perfect Post, an award I don't think exists anymore. I am reminded of this post every time I read or hear about someone sending his/her first child to kindergarten. It was such an emotional experience for me; one for which I was completely not prepared. Well, you'll see HOW unprepared I was when (or IF) you read on.

**************************************************

Kindergarten

She walked into the classroom, son’s hand in hers, and looked at all the desks, searching for his name. Colorful and inviting, the walls were decorated and the room ready for its new students. Today was the kindergarten tea, a time for her son, along with his classmates, to see his classroom and to meet his teacher so that he would be more comfortable for his first day of class. She didn’t anticipate any trouble. He had attended preschool on that campus for three years and she worked at the church office just across the parking lot. He was in comfortable and familiar territory.

As she showed her son all the room had to offer, a wave of emotion swept over her. Afraid she would start crying, she made excuses to leave early. Hurrying out, she took some deep breaths and the emotion subsided.

"What was that?" she asked herself. She was confused by the strength of feeling and unable to identify the specific emotion. She knew some mothers became emotional as their children started school but surely this was too strong a feeling to be that. Besides, she told herself, he had been in preschool for so long and would just be across the parking lot from her. She hadn’t thought this would bother her.

Pushing the thoughts and emotions aside, she went about her business the next couple of days. The first days of kindergarten were uneventful. Her son was fine. She was able to suppress any overwhelming feelings yet was never completely at ease. Friday came, and with it, the first school chapel. This was the only day the children had a specific dress code: shirts with collars and pants for the boys, skirts or dresses for the girls. No shorts allowed. The no shorts rule presented her with her first power struggle of elementary school. He only liked jeans or shorts and t-shirts. No collars on his shirts and no fat pants--his name for anything other than the hand-me-down Wrangler jeans he favored.

“It’s the rules. You have to wear this.” she stated patiently.

“No! I want shorts!” he demanded.

“You can’t wear shorts. It says in the student handbook. No shorts. I read it. You have to respect the rules even if you don’t agree with them,” she attempted to reason with him. Eventually, she won the battle but not without losing her patience and it was exhausting.

At the chapel hour, she headed over to the auditorium to sneak a peek at her little boy. The students filed in, class by class. She noticed one student, then another and another in shorts.

"Wait a minute. What is going on here?" she thought. Spotting Karen, the school vice principal and a good friend, she made her way over to her.

“Karen, so many boys are wearing shorts. The handbook said no shorts.”

“Dress shorts are allowed,” Karen answered matter-of-factly.

“I read through it more than once. I’m sure it said no shorts at all. I would have let him wear shorts. He wanted to wear shorts,” she began to get distressed.

“No. It says dress shorts are acceptable,” her friend reassured her.

She did not believe this and wouldn’t accept it until the manual was brought out. There in black and white were the words she had missed for some reason.

“For boys, acceptable dress includes collared shirts including knit polo shirts tucked in, pants, dress shorts, belt, sneakers...”

The dam burst of tears was released. All that fighting and struggle for nothing. Her friend tried to console her but she wasn’t in a place to be comforted. The emotion that began the day of the kindergarten tea was released now like a tidal wave and it had to run its course. She made her way back to her office sobbing. She would get the tears under control until someone would walk by and ask her what was wrong.

“I made him wear paaaaaants! I’m a horrible mom!” she wailed.

The men in her office, while sympathetic, did not quite understand this response. They humored her and gave her hugs, reassuring her that she was a wonderful mom. Although the shorts issue didn’t make sense to them, they were dads and knew not to reason with a mom in this state.

After she calmed down, she decided to try to at least alleviate her mistake. Rushing home, she picked up some suitable shorts and took them to his class. After asking permission from his teacher to help him change, she took her son into the class bathroom. As she helped him, she apologized tearfully.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I read the handbook wrong and you are able to wear nice shorts.”

He was happy to have shorts but otherwise seemed none the worse for wear. Obviously this was an experience that scarred only the mother and not the son. Over the next few days, with a little distance, she began to recognize the emotion she had been feeling: grief. That first shocking emotion that day in class was grief. She realized it now. It was the same feeling she experienced at the death of her grandfather, her brother, her grandmother. It didn’t make sense to her, though. Nobody had died. Her son had just started school.

Eventually she realized it wasn’t about being overprotective or nervous about her son’s readiness for school...

It wasn’t about being a horrible mother...

It wasn’t about shorts...

It was about what his beginning kindergarten represented: the death of his unencumbered life and his entering into a world of expectation and responsibility. He was no longer a child free of the world. Her baby was hers alone no longer. He was part of the world now.

He was ready. She was not.



**************************************************

That boy, whose entry into the world of expectation and responsibility I grieved, is 19 years old now! He's faced many more milestones. As with kindergarten, I was usually not ready. Often he was. Sometimes, though, he wasn't. Growing up is hard. At 5. At 19. At 46. Lest you worry for my emotional sanity, let me reassure you by the time my second child went to kindergarten, eight years later, I practically skipped out the door--with nary a twinge of grief.

Chutes and Ladders

Right now my life feels a little bit like that game of chutes and ladders. One day, I find myself flying down a chute to some new destination. I have to reorient myself to my new locale and then move on. Another day, I may be looking at the bottom rung of a ladder, facing a long climb up to the top. Now, I am not sure that I remember which one of those scenarios is better in the game: down the chute or up the ladder. I just know that life seems like quite an adventure these days, for all that it might seem mundane to an outsider's eyes.

Um... er...

Well, it's been almost three months since I've written anything here. I think that is a clear sign that it is time for me to hang a "Closed Until Further Notice" sign up.

I WANT to write but there is just too much going on.

I will tell you that my experiment in self-binding (see last post) was successful. I finished my master's project and now have a M.S. in Education, Reading. I am also teaching four classes this spring--two at the community college and two at the state university. With that load, I seriously doubt I will have time to write here.

You can find me on Twitter (www.twitter.com/MaryLUE). I have a protected account, so you will have to ask me to approve you. I am also blogging every other Monday at Sleeping with Bread, my blog for doing a form of the Examen.

It's been great, but sometimes you have to take a break from writing about Life, the Universe, and Everything to experience Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Until some unknown time in the future. . .

Time Suckers

So the whole point of this self-binding experiment was to reclaim some space in my life, right?

With my project push on, it is important that I take that time to focus on my writing, right?

Well, not if I listen to my husband, who encouraged me to upgrade to Windows 7.

Why, why, why?

I know these things never go as quickly or smoothly as you want them to. I KNOW that. However, because I am currently able to get a special student deal (Windows 7 Home Premium for $29.99), I decided to go ahead. My computer has been having these little hiccups for awhile now so I've been hoping the upgrade would take care of these persistent problems. The jury is still out on that. However, the jury is not still out on finding myself guilty of software-installing naivete and misguided persistence in the face of overwhelming odds.

12 hours. By the time it was all said and done, attempting to install the update, finding fixes for my Toshiba issues, realizing my computer wasn't responding well to those issues, performing a clean install, reinstalling Office 2007... what a nightmare.

AND...

in the middle of all that, I had to take my son for his senior pictures... my son who HATES getting his picture taken.

Grrr...

So... I ended up actually being online to look for fixes and stuff... but I DID stay away from Facebook and Twitter. It was tempting to whine and vent but I refrained... until here and now!

I am so frustrated that my good intentions to get one or two sections of my literature review written got sucked into the Software Time Wasters Universe. There were several points in the day when I think I should have told myself to STOP! and work on the computer later. But I didn't.

Looking at the brighter side of my disastrous day, my computer is ready to go. Today I have some obligations in the evening but I have ALL day to get back to work. Developmental Education and the Millennial Generation, here I come.

No NaBloPoMo for Me

I have participated in NaBloPoMo twice. It was always worth it, although I believe the resulting posts were not always all they could have been.

This year? I just can't do it. I have too much on my proverbial plate. However, I did think I would try to do something a little different. You see, I am trying something new. I am self-binding. And while that does conjure up an image for me that is less than pleasant, it is actually an attempt to create some space in my life... space that The Internet is taking up. The author of the article, Stop Your Search Engines, defines self-binding as...

"intentionally creating an obstacle to behavior I was helpless to control, much the way Ulysses lashed himself to his ship's mast to avoid succumbing to the Sirens' song..."

The Way We Live Now - Going Offline in Search of Freedom - NYTimes.com

(3 November 2009)

I've announced this on Twitter and Facebook so many of you will already know about this. However, here at Life, the Universe and Everything, I thought I might take some of my Internet-allowed time to share a little bit of my experience as I go along.

Regular readers (Hi there, all 5 of you!) will know that I am really, truly, FINALLY trying to write my masters' project. Life had thrown a few obstacles in my path. I have thrown a few obstacles in my path. But the countdown is on. I need to start knocking out chapters... like NOW, baby. But I am addicted to my social networking time. I had discussed this with my sister-in-law and when she read the article, she forwarded it to me. I don't have the right computer (a Mac) to install the program that it mentions, called Freedom, which lets you tell the computer when NOT to let you use the Internet. However, I do have a removable wireless card for my laptop, which is a long, embarrassing story of a woman who was so anxious to order her new computer that she accidentally deselected the internal wireless card during the ordering process.

The good news, though, is that allows me to hand over my wireless card to my husband at 10 a.m. and retrieve it from him at 8 p.m. These are somewhat random hours... it gives me time to do a little hanging out on Twitter with some of the bestest people ever in the morning and also attempts to make me available to my family for the afternoon and evening--without a laptop in between us.

Yesterday was Day One of my Ulysses-inspired experiment and things actually went very well. I did a little bit of writing on my project but the most beneficial aspect of it all was that I interacted with my family in a more meaningful way. It is really quite embarrassing to admit this but I am really glued to the computer for hours and hours a day. Homework was completed with less frustration and no raised voices... bedtime happened with less bother.... I felt better about myself to be honest. I did experience some anxiety about an hour or two before 8 p.m. but I think that was more due to worries about the writing process for my project than withdrawal from Web 2.0.

Over the next month, I am planning on giving updates... on my writing progress... on the dynamic at home... anything related to this bid at reclaiming space in my life. I'll see you around the 'verse... before 10 a.m. and after 8 p.m., Monday through Friday!

Sleeping with Bread: Anxiety & Prayer

Anxiety.

That would be my life-draining experience for the week. I have a tendency toward anxiety and this week it has been an issue. I am going out of town tomorrow and getting to my destination requires getting on a plane--for hours. I hate flying.

I am going to a conference where I am going to co-present at a small conference session. It is my first professional conference and I want to do well.

While I am there, I will be working on my masters' project. I am a little (!!) behind and need the time away from home to get a good start on my first two chapters. It is a critical time--a do or die kind of time.

So... I think most people would agree that there is some reason to be anxious.

Except there's that pesky verse in the Bible:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 (NAS)

And that leads me to my life-giving experience for the week.

I prayed.

That is kind of a wild concept, isn't it? I prayed. I had some things to confess and the anxiety was weighing on me. So I went through some prayers from a book. My own words have been sorely lacking. Dealing with grief and some depression has left me inarticulate in prayer. I rest on the promise that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf but I also like using prayers others have written.

It helped.

I woke up early this morning. I made myself stay awake as I will have to be adjusting to a new time zone AND I am getting up early, early, early for my flight. With the morning, I am feeling some anxiety again. There is lots to do to get ready... and the thought of that plane ride hovering at the forefront of my consciousness.

So, instead of spending the day in worry and fear, I am getting ready to pray.

It will help. And I am grateful for that.


*****************************

Every Monday (well, sometimes on Tuesdays), I host Sleeping with Bread, a spiritual reflection meme, over here. Right now, my participation is a little sketchy. I usually get the host post up--and lately, my friend, Tara has been helping out with that--but I don't always participate with my own time of reflection. I am actually trying to do better at that. The discipline is good for me. If you head over there, you'll find this entry cross-posted and some links to others' contributions.

In which I offend purple-wearing old folks. . .

When I Am Old I Will Wear Clothes Appropriate for My Age!

When I am an old woman,
I shall clothes wear clothes appropriate for my age - -
With or without a hat as long as it goes,
and looks good on me.
And I shall spend my money
on books and movies
(and maybe a trip to Ireland)
and probably more and more skin care products,
because, DANG, it was easier to be holier-than-thou when I was 20 and wrinkle-free.
I shall sit where ever I can find a comfortable seat when I'm tired
and Lord help me, if I am gobbling up samples in shops
without regard to my health
and thinking I can still be as active as a young person,
while forgetting what it was like to be young and stupid.
I won't mind wearing my slippers in the rain but hope that
I only pick flowers in other people's gardens if I have permission
and NEVER learn to spit!
I don't want to wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat a pan of brownies all by myself,
or only bread and butter for a week,
and collect coat hangers
and sugar packets and Styrofoam popcorn.
I have responsibilities now like raising my kids,
and paying my bills,
and not driving while talking on my cell phone,
and setting a good example for the children.
But I enjoy having dinner with friends and talking about things.
And I don't want to be a different kind of person
So that people who knew me are shocked and surprised
when suddenly I am old, and stop acting like myself!

Proof That Twitter Makes You Crazy

I went a little insane the other night. One of the people I follow decided to hold a contest to give away a Google Wave invite. Here is the transcript of what happened. (Note: I use TweetDeck, a Twitter managing application. Sometimes the tweets are posted out of order.)

D. B. Grady, author and tweeter extraordinaire makes an announcement:

dbgrady Okay people listen up! I've got Google Wave invites, but you've got to earn them. The first person to answer this question gets invite #1

dbgrady On my blog, I compare the "water breaking" during childbirth to a scene from this movie. http://dbgrady.wordpress.com. Go!

a_crezo @dbgrady the shining. And it's like that. But I don't want an invite. :)

MaryLUE @dbgrady @a_crezo Give me hers, then. I'm curious what all the fuss is about.

MaryLUE @dbgrady Unless it's the Watchmen

dbgrady The water breaking during childbirth is like that elevator scene from The Shining! @kaosblaze FTW!

a_crezo Yeah, @dbgrady, hand it over to @MaryLUE. I like her. :)

MaryLUE @a_crezo Thx! The feeling is mutual. And the bugger @dbgrady already gave it away!

a_crezo @MaryLUE lol! I bet he's got some more contests up his sleeve.

dbgrady One more Google Wave invite giveaway tonight...

dbgrady First to answer gets Google Wave invite #2: On my blog, I frequently mention conversations a close fellow reader. What's her name?

MaryLUE @dbgrady I DO NOT KNOW!!!!!

dbgrady @MaryLUE Start reading :)

MaryLUE @dbgrady I'm skimming as we speak.

MaryLUE @dbgrady R we allowed more than 1 guess? If so, I'm gonna throw a dart & say @a_crezo. If not, then that's not my guess.

a_crezo @MaryLUE it's not. Lol

MaryLUE @dbgrady K. Rachel Sternbergen-Friedman

dbgrady @MaryLUE Nope, not @a_crezo.

dbgrady @MaryLUE Keep trying.

dbgrady So close! @Synchrome, you lost to @MaryLUE by 10 seconds! Better luck next time! :) Mary, DM me your email address.

a_crezo @MaryLUE yay! Have fun making embarrassing social gaffs with @dbgrady. I'm too self-concious for GWave. Lol

MaryLUE @dbgrady Aaralyn Montgomery

MaryLUE @dbgrady Pamela S. Thibideaux

MaryLUE @dbgrady Angie

dbgrady @MaryLUE You already won! It was K. Rachel! Send me your email and I'll invite you.

MaryLUE @dbgrady Melissa Techman

MaryLUE @dbgrady Your baby.

a_crezo @dbgrady TweetDeck is having seizures. I think she's missing some tweets. Lol

via Direct Message:

dbgrady LOL STOP GUESSING! You WON! Send me your email address so I can invite you! :)

MaryLUE @a_crezo The TOTALLY hilarious part of this is that I really do not even know what Google Wave is or does or WHY I'd want it!

via Direct Message:

dbgrady It was K. Rachel. You won by 10 seconds. :)

MaryLUE @a_crezo @dbgrady And yes, I can see know that I missed a tweet! I blame it on my intense focus in skimming & scanning the blog.

MaryLUE @dbgrady P.S. Thanks!

MaryLUE @a_crezo @dbgrady see "NOW" not "know"

MaryLUE FWIW Twitterverse, I have know been invited to Google Wave. Once I know what it is, I'll tell you if I like it!

None of the names have been changed because they were all on public pages.

Reader's Block

I was sitting with my sister-in-law a few weeks ago and we were talking about life, the universe and everything. I told her that I have not finished a book since June. She looked at me and told me that she was the same way after her dad died. (Most of you know that my mom died in July.) I've been thinking about it a lot and wondering just WHY is that the case? Is it just (JUST!) the grief? I've not been all that "efficient" at reading for the last couple of years. Grad school and Web 2.0 seems to have taken quite a bit of my reading energy. The only other time I remember going so long without finishing a book was when my son was born. Back then, I didn't even start a book. Now, I start a book but don't get it finished.

Here's a sample of books I've started:

Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett

The Lord is My Shepherd by Harold Kushner

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell

The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver

Those poor books! They don't deserve to be neglected like this. I think a need a prescription from the doctor that says I HAVE to read for 30 minutes a day. No matter what. Not that I do everything my doctor tells me to do.

Anyway, I was just wondering have any of you ever experienced Reader's Block? If so, do you know what caused it? How long did it last? Do you remember the first books you read after your reading slump was over?

++++++++

Cross posted at T-Dot Bloggers Book Club.

Adrenalin-Induced Insomnia

For the last couple of years I've had trouble with sleeping through the night. Sometimes it's for pretty benign reasons. However, I think I can attribute most of it to grad school. When the pressure is on and I have an assignment due, it keeps me up at night. I usually fall asleep just fine but then wake up around 3 am, unable to get back to sleep until around 6 am. Anyone who's either got a job or kids to take care of or any other normal responsibilities understands that's just no good.

For months now, I haven't had any problems with it. I didn't really think about the fact that I wasn't having my wee hours-wake ups. And then the pressure to get going on my final push for grad school began. Guess what? More insomnia. It's so frustrating.

Today I worked for hours to get the product part of my project ready to email to my advisor. I finished and emailed it at 11:59 pm. (I'd originally promised it on Friday and then repromised it on Monday.) I was glad to get it turned in--just in the nick of time. I considered waiting to send it until tomorrow (TODAY actually) so that I could have someone look over it for me. But Nooooooo, I was getting to anxious to have it in my advisor's inbox. So I sent it.

I had to unwind for awhile so it was about 1 am before I headed off to bed. And then Marley had a nightmare. (Remind not to let her watch any Harry Potter movies for a long, long time.) I had just barely drifted off when she came in to tell me about her bad dream. (David Tennant as Barty Crouch, Jr. was the culprit.) Great. Now I was awake and trying to get back to sleep. What thoughts drifted in my head? A sudden realization that I maybe hadn't explained aspects of my project. Did I really turn in a curriculum handbook that didn't have all the information in the instructor notes? I think I did.

Crap.

Yes, I said CRAP on my blog.

Now I can't get back to sleep. It's 3 am. and I'm surfing the internet, playing Word Challenge on Facebook, exhausted as can be. Sleep just slithers right on by me.

So I reckoned, if I had to suffer through it, you might as well suffer reading about it.

I'm probably going to regret this when I get up--if I ever manage to get to sleep.

Sincerely,

Morose, possibly inept, seriously sleepy, Mary-LUE

Everything. . .

I love about my town.

Well, not EVERYTHING but after a post about Life that was followed by a post about the Universe, it was a given what this one would be called.

So here is a list of LOTS of things that I love about my town.

1. The Jacaranda trees that bloom every spring
2. The downtown market that shows how much community we have in our community
3. Frati Gelato! The YUMMIEST gelato and sorbet made by someone who went to gelato school in Italy. Did you KNOW there was such a thing as gelato school?
4. 25 minutes to the beach
5. 45 minutes to the mountains
6. My daughter's alternative, multiage class in a public school
7. Hill!!! Paul and I lived in Texas for almost four years and it was FLAT where we lived. I love our hills.
8. Excellent restaurants. I think we have a surprisingly large number of restaurants that have very good food.
9. Old houses. We have some lovely old houses. I love old houses.
10. Starbucks. I know, I know. Starbucks is so ubiquitous. I don't care. I like not being more than five minutes away from a Starbucks not matter where I am at in town. So sue me.
11. My son's high school. It has excellent programs... the arts, honors, a farm (!), a culinary school, a nationally ranked speech & debate team (and yes, sports). It also is over 100 years old. Again with the old. I like old. Which leads me to. . .
12. Hosted at the 100+ year old high school auditorium, the Orange County Theatre Organ Society shows silent movies accompanied by a Wurlitzer organ. The next showing is Nosferatu, A Symphony of Terror. I think that's pretty cool.

the Universe (Well, not really...)

My last post was about Life. I had intended to write a more complete post about Life, the Universe and Everything but all I could squeak out was the little bit of Life.

And I've been thinking since then that I would try to write this next post about the Universe... and then a post about Everything. But there is a wee problem with that...

Right now my Universe is just so small. All I can see are the proverbial trees and not the forest. There is so much going on right now... issues over health care reform... H1N1 flu preparedness... the continuing recession... and that's just the U.S. I don't have the energy, though, to think too much about those issues. In some part, that is due to how emotionally charged the Internet is. If I were to really try to write about the Universe these days, it would probably have more to do with incivility, a determined mindset to outsnark those who think/act/believe differently from you, the demonizing of "the other," a general unwillingness to ask questions... and most of all, a complete abundance of Absolute Certainty. It exhausts me--all this Certainty.

I am living with too many certainties... including those age old favorites: death and taxes. I received a long, long document from the lawyer for my mom's estate. I haven't been able to make myself go through it yet. I've just peeked at it enough to see that I need three years of tax returns for my mom--but she didn't keep any of those records. I have to set up a separate bank account in the name of the estate--but there's no money to put in it. When I set my mind to these issue, my body rebels. I feel a tightening in my chest, a queasiness in my stomach. I get a very clear picture of an ostrich with its head firmly buried in the ground.

All that and the pressure of deadlines for grad school... kids who need their mother to be emotionally present... the ongoing challenges of my father's estate... a house that's fit for How Clean is Your House... knees that have gone wonky, preventing me from doing any real amount of exercise.

And I cannot STAND writing about all this... because I think I sound like a big, whiny child... because I am feeling so crappy about it all that I cannot balance it--like I usually can--with the sunny side of things. I function in two modes: Denial or Depression. (Before I get a bunch of worried comments and emails, I HAVE started seeing a therapist--just last week.)

I KNOW things will get better. I KNOW this is all temporary. This knowledge comes from two things: my Faith in Christ and my previous experience when Life has overwhelmed me. I know that however long it takes, it will just be a portion of my life--not the entirety of it.

In the meantime, the Universe will have to wait.

Life: September 2, 2009

Life

Death certificates… forwarded mail… letters from banks… just a few of the things Life brings you when there is a death in the family.

Emergency card forms… homework folders… payments for lunch accounts… just a few of the things Life brings you when a new school year begins.

Ash from fires miles away… air conditioners running incessantly… tears and tempers… just a few of the things Life brings you when the traditional end of summer heat wave arrives.

Lunch with friends… talks in restaurant parking lots and the phone… greetings on Facebook… encouraging tweets… just a few of the things Life brings you when you are experiencing the above.

Sadness… gratitude… restlessness… confusion… anger… lethargy… avoidance… many of the feelings I've been having as I live this Life right now.

Sleeping with Bread: Summer Bests and Summer Worsts

I'm getting a little lazy and copying my host post from the Sleeping with Bread blog and publishing it here. I hope to get back to more regular blogging soon.

This is it. The last week of summer vacation for my family. My tweenage daughter starts 4th grade next Monday and my teenage son starts his senior year in high school the following Thursday. Looking back over the summer, there have been a few "worst things" and a few "best things."

Worst Things:

I never got any real work done on my master's project. I had hoped to finish it... then I hoped to get a big chunk of it written... then I hoped to get the reading for it finished...

Let me just insert a huge sigh here.

I also was working on getting into shape and losing some weight. After a great start, my knees went out on me and that has stalled my progress.

How about another sigh?

Finally, the BIG one that you all know about. My mother's sudden death. I'll not be too flip with this one. It's complicated and sad and one of those life changing events that you cannot avoid. It happens and when it does, you have choices on how to deal with it--but it becomes a central part of your life for awhile.

Still, that's not all there is to this loaf of summer bread...

Best Things:

I am in a very good position to truly begin working on my project. I have the actual curriculum completed. I've got all my reading together to go over. I have a good friend working with me to help me with accountability.

I've not really gained much ground in my quest for physical fitness but I haven't really lost any ground either. In spite of a few weeks of careening off the diet track when my mom died, I am pretty much back on the tracks. It isn't perfect but I am not letting all that happened interfere completely with my efforts to get healthier.

Although the trip back to Oklahoma was not expected, it did give my kids a vacation. They got to play with cousins, hang out in a place where there was more to hold their attention than television and video games. In spite of the sad circumstances, I believe they experienced some rest and relaxation and relationship building.

I can't say I am looking forward to the fall. It brings some demands for me... that I act with discipline and commitment. I will be getting knee deep in probate matters for my mom's estate. The kids will have very different schedules and my husband will be, as always, a man on the road. I know, though, that with all its demands, life will also bring me comforts and joys. And those? Those I look forward to.

Sleeping with Bread:Grief and Joy

It has been a month since I posted here at Life, the Universe and Everything. Most of you who read this will know from Twitter or Facebook, but on July 27th, my mother passed away unexpectedly. By 7:30 that evening, we were on our way to Oklahoma for her funeral.

I'm a little worded out right now about it all so for my Sleeping with Bread post, I thought I'd share some pictures from the trip. The pictures encompass some of the grief and some of the joy in that trip.



I hope to be more regular with posting as we head into the school year. I realize how much Twitter and Facebook--and life, the universe and everything--has been interfering with this blog. In the meantime, if you want to check out more Sleeping with Bread posts, here is a link to this week's bread.

Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance…

Actually, now is the time on Life, the Universe and Everything when I drool over the Comic Con schedule and renew my promise to myself to go one day. In what will either be one of the blogverse's most boring posts or the most saliva-inducing depending on your Comic Con orientation, here are the panels that caught my eye:

Thursday

Who wouldn't want to get the scoop on the science fiction you should be reading:

10:30-11:30 Science Fiction That Will Change Your Life— The staff of io9.com, Eisner Award–winning author Douglas Wolk (Reading Comics), and others talk about science fiction from the last year that does more than blow things up. It might also blow your mind. What science fiction should you be reading and watching if you want your brain to grow so big it pops out of the top of your skull and starts throbbing and shooting lasers? The panelists have some tips. Room 8

Terry Gilliam. Need I say more?

4:30-5:15 Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus— Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of both Comic-Con and Monty Python, we welcome the sole American Python, the great animator and director Terry Gilliam (Time Bandits, Brazil, 12 Monkeys) to introduce you to his new film starring Christopher Plummer, Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger, Colin Farrell, Jude Law, Verne Troyer, Tom Waits, and Lily Cole. Dr. Parnassus is a fabulous anachronism, touring the streets of modern-day London in a horse-drawn carnival wagon accompanied by his beautiful daughter, devoted dwarf, and neophyte barker. On stage Parnassus plays a holy man whose Imaginarium can realize the innermost fantasies of all who dare to enter. Backstage, he is a drunkard, a gambler who centuries ago lost a wager with the Devil and must now pony up with his daughter once she turns sixteen. Tomorrow. Yet, there may still be hope for the Doctor and Valentina in the person of Tony, a well-dressed amnesic they rescue from a perilous fate and invite into their world of unrelenting magic and possibility. Hall H

Friday

Bones! David Boreanaz! Emily Deschanel! If Sweets were going to be there, I just might have to sneak my way in.

3:00-3:45 Bones— Showrunner Hart Hanson and stars David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel are on hand for a discussion of what's on deck for Booth and Brennan, hot on the heels of this year's much talked-about season finale in which the pair finally wound up between the sheets. Ballroom 20

Anything w/Joss Whedon involved. Any. Thing.

4:00-5:15 Dollhouse— Join Dollhouse creator Joss Whedon and star/producer Eliza Dushku for a no-holds-barred Q & A about what they have planned for season 2, after they unveil a special screening of the never-before-seen "Epitaph One" episode of the Fox hit, which releases on DVD just four days later. Ballroom 20

5:15-6:00 Joss Whedon— After the Dollhouse presentation, stick around for 45 minutes of information and Q&A with Joss Whedon about his upcoming Dark Horse Comics projects! Ballroom 20

Okay, this was just too much to resist. My one time attendance at a Star Trek convention notwithstanding, this is a show I would love to see.

7:45-8:45 Klingon Lifestyles Presentation— This latest mission of the IKV Stranglehold finds the crew giving assistance to the IKRV Hurgh Hap on a First Contact Mission, but problems from the planet's inhabitants and an agent from Klingon Imperial Intelligence complicate matters. How will the crew handle this situation and still keep their honor? All species are welcome to experience the ongoing voyage and adventure of life aboard a Klingon vessel. Room 6A

Saturday

This one ought to be interesting given that Fox has just announced that they are recasting most of these actors in the new episodes.

1:00-1:45 Futurama: Life or Death?!— Be a part of sci-fi history! Join executive producers Matt Groening and David X. Cohen, and stars Billy West, Katey Sagal, John DiMaggio, and Maurice LaMarche for high-stakes thrills as a top-ranking FOX executive decides live, on stage, whether Futurama will make yet another triumphant return or whether it is gone forever! The very fate of Futurama hangs in the balance! Paramedics will be standing by in case the intense excitement causes any panelists to collapse. Raucous celebration or abject despair to follow the news. Ballroom 20

Discussion of Bram Stoker AND Joss Whedon? Oh yeah, baby.

1:30-2:30 Bram Stoker: The Joss Whedon of His Day?— Moderator Leslie Klinger (The New Annotated Dracula), an authority on the influence on generations of storytellers of Stoker's work, discusses Stoker's impact with panelists Dacre Stoker & Ian Holt (Dracula: The Un-Dead), Jeanne Stein (The Anna Strong Vampire Chronicles), Chris Marie Green (The Path of Razors), Tony Lee (From the Pages of Bram Stoker's 'Dracula': Harker), J. F. Lewis (Staked), and Steve Niles (30 Days of Night).  Room 5AB

Sunday

She is an icon.

2:30-3:30 Spotlight on June Foray— She's the first lady of cartoon voices! Comic-Con special guest June Foray, known for her memorable work with a certain moose and squirrel (Bullwinkle and Rocky, the Flying Squirrel, that is), returns to Comic-Con for the 40th show. Mark Evanier and Earl Kress interview June about her career as a voice actress, author, and Hollywood legend. Room 5AB

I first started reading science fiction in junior high & a lot of it was Ray Bradbury.

3:30-4:30 Spotlight on Ray Bradbury— The legendary fantasy and science fiction writer is once again a Comic-Con special guest, as he was for the very first show in 1970. Ray Bradbury will discuss his new books, plays, and other projects with his long-time friend, writer and producer Arnold Kunert, and biographer Sam Weller. Room 6BCF

It's Dr. Who! You HAVE to go to this one.

10:00-11:00 Dr. Who— Actor David Tennant, writer/executive producer Russell T Davies, director Euros Lyn, and executive producer Julie Gardner discuss their creative process and experiences working on BBC America's Doctor Who—television's longest-running sci-fi series—with exclusive clips and a Q&A session. Ballroom 20

I don't read Christian comics & to be honest, a lot of Christian media sends me right 'round the bend. Still, listening in on this discussion could be very interesting or very infuriating.

10:00-11:00 Christian Comics Meeting— What are the different ways that Christian creators express their faith through their art? How can "new media" best be used to communicate timeless truths? Discuss the latest trends of the Christian comics movement with moderator Buzz Dixon (Serenity, Goofyfoot Gurl) and panelists Eric Jansen (Foursquare Missions Press), Leo Partible (Behind the Screen: Insiders on Faith, Film & Culture), and others. A short sermon and worship music will precede the panel discussion. Room 24A

Well, Duh! Reading is my thing. I've not spent almost two years in grad school for nothing! (Actually, this just sounds very intriguing.)

11:00-12:30 Secret Origin of Good Readers— AKA "Evil Plots to Get Kids Reading." The 9th annual Secret Origin of Good Readers panel consists of Dr. Robyn A. Hill (National University, San Diego), Mimi Cruz (Night Flight Comics, Salt Lake City), Bill Galvan (creator/artist The Scrapyard Detectives, artist for Archie Comics), Dr. Bill McGrath (National University), and Jim Valentino (creator/publisher Silverline Books/Image Comics). The panelists will discuss how teachers, librarians, retailers, authors, artists, and publishers can work together to bring comic books into the classroom for use as an innovative and motivating cross-curricular teaching tool and a vehicle for promoting reading and literacy. Through a multimedia presentation, personal remarks, and a question-and-answer session, the speakers will present an overview of the medium and highlight specific ways that comic books and graphic novels can be used to engage a variety of learners. Breakout sessions will follow the main presentation. The 70-page resource book The Secret Origin of Good Readers is available for free download by clicking here courtesy of XMission.com. Room 3